In Closing,

I received a note via email today written by an old college friend from a long time back.  It was good to hear from him.  He concluded the note by writing the following closing.

Best,
Bill

He selected a rather simple closing.  The single word “best”.  I find this odd.  I’m fairly certain that I should not read too much into it, but the voices in my head won’t let that happen.  Best what?  Best regards?  Best wishes?  Best kick in the shins?

From time to time, I’ve seen this closing too:  “All my best to your family”.  Let’s assume for a minute that we are talking about wishes.

All my best wishes to your family,
Marcus

Wait a minute!  Did I just give away all my best wishes?  Obviously, I must really and truly care for these people.  So much so, that I gave them all of my best wishes.  That leaves me with my pile of average and crappy wishes.  Let see, I still have the following.

“I wish I would win three dollars and twenty-one cents.”  It would be best if the jackpot was in the millions.

“I wish that the diarrhea would slow down.”  I can’t believe I gave away the best version where I wished that it would actually stop.

“I wish all of my toes would fall off.”  Nothing good about this wish at all!  I should have given this wish away a long time ago.

How about this closing: “Warm Regards”?  I’m not sure how you would go about changing the temperature of a regard.  I’ve never actually held a regard.  Are they heavy?  Would it break if I dropped it?  I suppose that if I were to be handed a regard, I would want it to not burn my fingers.  So, sure, “warm” is a good way for a regard to be handed out.  It’s a far better set of regards than:

Ice cold frost-bitten regards,
Bill
PS- Sorry about your hands.  I thought you were wearing gloves.

“With deepest sympathy” has probably been used for letters expressing condolences for a parted loved one.  I offer this advice.  Consider losing the word “deepest” because it reminds me of the six foot depth of the average grave site.  You wouldn’t elaborate on that closing with a description of exactly how deep, would you?

With a sympathy of approximately six feet of depth,
Bill
PS- The daisies are going to look beautiful!

The closing “Yours cordially” leaves me scratching my head.  I guess this is a fine way to wrap up a letter being sent from one cherry to another cherry.

Yours cordially,
Maraschino
PS- Sorry about the stickiness of this letter.  It’s the pits.

A nice way to end a letter to a loved one might be, “Always in my thoughts”.  This phrase should convey to its reader that you, the writer of this letter, are thinking kind things about you often.  But realize, if you would, that there is something missing.  This closing doesn’t really address if the writer is enjoying you always being in his or her thoughts.  You ever have “that song” stuck in your head for days on end?  It drives you so crazy that you would do anything to make it stop.

Always in my thoughts,
Bill
PS- I’m on the verge of sticking an ice-pick in my ear to make it stop.

I guess maybe I’m over thinking the whole closing thing.  At this point, however, I am at a loss on how to conclude this writing.  I clearly built up too much pressure for a simple exit.  There is no way I can just hit you up with a “Take care” or a “Sincerely”.  Ok, how’s this?

Approximately half of my best above-ground lukewarm thoughts cordially given to you,
Marcus
PS- Buy my book!

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14 responses to “In Closing,

  1. Great post. I may never be able to sign off a letter without thinking twice about it, but oh well!

  2. This was really clever! Gave me a couple chuckles.

  3. You always make me laugh. Thank you for another hilarious post.

    Always laughing at you,
    Ashley
    PS- I’m laughing at you in a good way, not in a mean way.

  4. Thanks for stopping by today! I really liked this post. I’m really going to think next time I close a letter. I’ll probably just write “Breauna.” lol You made me laugh. I especially enjoyed the “with deepest sympathy” one. Morbid humor gets me every time!

  5. Hilarious! 🙂

    This post brings back memories. I once received an email where the closing was “My Unicorn Awaits, (name of person)”. I still don’t understand what she meant by that.

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