Now Which Way?

I am mad at my GPS.

I’ve been using a GPS to find my destinations for a long time now.  I have very little memory of how I got from point A to point B prior to me owning a GPS.  You see, I am a directionally challenged person.  I depend on my wonderful little piece of technology to tell me exactly where to go.  Everyone who knows me knows just how poor my sense of direction is.  And I’m fine with acknowledging my shortcoming.

“Hi.  My name is Marcus and I’m an aimless wanderer.”

I can picture God laying out his plans for me.  He was gathering all the “things that make me me” on His lab bench.  He put the jar of all five senses on the table.  He grabbed the big jar of “amusing”.  Grabbed the jar of “tall”.  He grabbed the very small jar of “youthful athletic talent” (it was more like an eye-dropper).  And when He was reaching for the jar of “sense of direction” it dropped to the floor and spilled out.  He wasn’t planning on making more “directional sense” on that particular morning, so He skipped it thinking to Himself, “I’ll just set this Marcus guy with a good wife and I’ll be sure to give her double the serving.”

When I am on the move, I use my GPS (or my wife) constantly.  Even in my own neighborhood I have trouble remembering which way the local wings shop is.  Do I take a right or left when I reach the road that it is on?  It’s amazing on how often I can screw up the 50/50 choice.  It seems like I should be correct half of the time, right?  Not so much.  And for the record, I believe that there is nothing wrong with turning around.  That’s why cars have steering wheels.  My lack of direction sense has heightened my ability to pull a U-turn almost anywhere.  There is no curb tall enough to stop me.

Oh, and if you are going to be giving me directions while I’m traveling, you need to do it just like my GPS does—one turn at a time.  People give me directions like this: “Make a left at the next light, drive beyond the school and make another left onto Mill Street, and then a right on Elm.”  You know what I hear?  “Make a left.”  And then you will have to repeat it again.

I have a forty-five minute commute to work every day.  I’ve been working at the same office for quite some time now.  I truly believe that I can find my office without the assistance of my GPS, but it is really cool to watch the estimated time of arrival as I’m driving to work.  Am I going to be late?  Nope, the GPS is always accurate to the minute.  It’s amazing.

Ok, fine!  I use my GPS on the way to work to avoid getting lost.  There.  I said it.  You happy now?

So why am I mad at my GPS?  The destinations that I have saved into my GPS are stored in a menu that is labeled “My Favorites”.  This is fairly typical of GPS units.  But I am mad at my GPS because every morning when I punch up my work place as my destination, I have to acknowledge my work place as one of “My Favorites”.  It’s not.  I have a good job that pays my bills, but is my work place my “favorite” destination?  Not really.  The beach, an amusement park, a casino, or a good restaurant would make a list of “My Favorite” destination places.

My GPS taunts me, “Acknowledge that your job is your ‘favorite’ or I won’t tell you how to get there!  Say it!”

Damn you GPS.  Damn you.

In a sheepishly quiet voice, “…my work is my favorite place in the world. Now please tell me how to get there.”

The GPS responds, “Recalculating.  You’re my Favorite loser.”

Buy my book because it is real easy to find!

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23 responses to “Now Which Way?

  1. I so enjoyed this. Partially because I too have a horrible sense of direction. But mainly because you’re just highly amusing. 😉

  2. So funny….I totally rely on GPS…half the time I don’t hear it correctly though and I turn too soon….I totally hear a edge in her voice…”recalculating…recalculating”

  3. I uwent to high school in New Jersey while I live din New York City and I would drive there quite a bit in my senior year because all my friends were there, and through college as well, and now when people ask me how to get there I say ” Turnpike” and that’s about all I got. My GPS’s name is Dave. I love Dave.

  4. I find myself printing directions for computer related issues because I have to keep returning the site that described how to fix the problem. Awesome post!

  5. When I received a GPS device on Christmas four years ago, I was like, “You wasted your money, Mom! I’ll never use this thing!” But it has since become the single greatest gift I’ve ever received. I’m now totally dependent on it, because I love exploring parts of the metro area I live in, but I, too, have a malfunctioning sense of direction. So I’ve turned into a GPS elitist who judges people who ask for directions in the year 2012. (All anyone should need is an address!) And I also have conversations with my Garmin while driving, but that’s a whole other matter.

  6. I love the beginning how you describe what you reach for and what God gave you. I grew up with this saying from one of my instructors telling me, when they passed out “______” (brains for example) God skipped over you! She was quite mean! LOL And despite how mean she was, these are fond memories. Thank you for the nostalgia 🙂 And I too was skipped over by God when he gave out a sense of direction. haha

  7. Thank you so much for the good laugh/cry that I apparently needed today. You had me laughing so hard I actually started bawling. I’m tired and very stressed and you have completely brightened my day by letting me get it out of my system. Thank you.

  8. I’ve never owned a GPS. I’m awesome at direction. I lack at youthful athletic skill though. I guess we can’t get all the cool jars.

  9. I lack athletic skills AND not knowing when to stop talking.. I have no sense of direction unless I’ve been there at least once, driving (not as a passenger) BUT I am good at giving directions, even if I don’t really know where you are going.. that counts right?

  10. The only thing i count on my gps for, is to get me the shortest distance in the longest time. 😉

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