Automatic Flusher

The following text was taken from the book that I continue to shamelessly plug with the link at the end of each of my blog entries.  Click it this time, would you?  And when you arrive at the amazon page, buy it too.  You can also “click inside the book” at amazon and read the first fifteen or so pages.  Enjoy!

My Status Update Journey: A Quirky In-Depth Analysis of the World from the Voices in My Head

This could be yours!

August 6, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Marcus Matherne: I can’t stand when the toilet flushes before you’re finished.

This might get a little too personal, but I’m willing to give it a go.

So you’re sitting there doing your business on one of those fancy automatic flushing toilets.  The toilet paper is contained in a mounted industrial size holder.  In the ideal case, you reach for the exposed hanging trail of paper, tear off a piece, finish the job, and you’re out.  Done.  Nothing to it.  However in my world, the toilet paper container is mounted just a bit too low and I have to lean awkwardly forward to grab the loose end which, by the way, is hiding up inside the contraption and is not willing to show itself.  While I’m scratching at the roll, rotating it all the way around for the third time searching for the mysteriously missing loose end, the little magic eyeball gizmo makes a ruling that I must be on my way to standing up, and thus signals the start of the flushing process.

It freaks me out!

First off, the splash factor is simply bad news.  Gross!  It might be different if the water giving you the misting was absolutely fresh, but I’m not even sure that would be acceptable.  I can’t say I’ve ever tried the bidet style of toilet, but it just doesn’t seem like a good idea.  I’ll pass.

Secondly, there is the surprise of the noise.  Public toilets often have the most powerful water pressure to ensure a low probability of creating a clog.  Loud.  Startling.  Being surprised with your pants at your ankles could easily cause and injury that is very difficult to explain to a doctor in the emergency room.

The doctor inquires, “How did you cut your forehead, Mr. Matherne?”

“Premature flushing,” I respond.

“Oh, of course.  I hate when that happens.”

And how does that magic eyeball thing work anyway?  I have a theory that it is actually a camera, and that it is actually someone’s job to monitor the stall and commence flushing at the appropriate time.

Here is a possibility of what the training manual may contain.

“When you see the ass lowering to a seated position, be ready to take action.  Wait for the user to complete his/her business.  As the ass is returning to the upright and standing position, activate the flush sequence.  Take all precautions to avoid premature flushing as this may cause injury to the user of the toilet.”

Have you ever stood up and there is a slight delay before the flush begins?  That is due to the networking delay introduced by outsourcing this job overseas.

Think about it.  I may be on to something.

Buy my book and read it on a toilet.

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14 responses to “Automatic Flusher

  1. Reading this was a great start to my morning. I think you really are onto something. I’m gonna go check out your book now. 😉

  2. I actually did read a portion of your book while sitting on the toilet. I won’t tell you which part though, that would be sharing too much personal information.

    • I think you crossed that line already.

      • I suppose. Perhaps I need to begin including that in my posts.
        “I read this book while riding shotgun. It distracted me from my husband’s aggressive methods.”
        “I read this one on the toilet.”
        “I read this one while in school. It fit very comfortably inside my textbook and was far more entertaining than quantum physics.”

  3. Premature flushing. Too funny 🙂

  4. I also wrote a post about automatic restrooms, but I think yours is funnier. It reminds me of a job my dad had at a gas station. He put a speaker underneath the toilet in the women’s restroom and whenever he saw someone enter, he’d wait a minute and yell: “Hey lady! Watch it! I’m painting under here!” He was eventually fired from that job.

  5. ROFL. I too despise the premature flush. The misty spray, while a cool idea in theory, loses something when you know the bowl is full of….well you know. 🙂

Thoughts? Go.

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