Toenail Mystery

Why do we still have toenails?

What purpose do toenails serve for humans in this modern day and age?  I can assume that a long time ago, they may have come in handy when climbing trees.  Perhaps they were needed to reduce the amount of time it would take to bolt up a tree when being chased by a bear.

Today’s toenails don’t do anything other than grow.  They don’t help you walk.  They don’t provide the body any required byproduct or nutrients.  They won’t add positively to your physical image no matter how nicely trimmed.  “That guy over there is acting so annoying, but he has good-looking toenails so I think I’ll ask him out”, said no one ever.  Toenails can only detract from your image.  “Hey, that woman over there is smoking hot.  I think she is looking at me.  I was right, she is walking this way.  Whoa, check out her nasty toenails!” as he makes a break for the door.  Another beautiful relationship crashed and burned before it even started.

Toenails simply exist only to be cut.

Hey, here is a thought:  when I cut my toenails I like to put my foot up on the bathroom sink—I’m a tall guy so I can do that.  I stretch my leg up there, the clipping go down the drain, and life is good for me.  Perhaps the toenail’s function is to ensure that people get a good hamstring stretch about once a month.  That can’t be it, since that would only explain tall people’s toenails.

I understand the benefits of finger nails.  They help you open things.  They get rid of itches.  They can find the seemingly invisible end of the scotch tape.  They help remove boogers.  Try any of those with your toenails.  Not so easy when compared to your fingernails.  I suppose that you can try to remove someone else’s boogers with your toenails, but who is going to sign up for that experiment?

Have you ever cut you big toenail too short?  Over the next hand full of days the skin in front of where your toenail once was fills in and then the subsequent growth of the toenail has to plow through it.  Man that hurts.  I did that once and I ended up walking with a limp.  People would ask what happened and I would have to tell them the manly story of how I cut my toenail too short.  Since that tale was such a wimpy story I found myself making up a total lie in order to cover the toenail cutting injury explanation.  “Yeah, I was in a bar room fight and I kicked this guy in the head with a wild Chuck Norris roundhouse flying kick.  Jammed my big toe in the process.  He dropped like a rock.”

Since toenails serve no purpose what so ever, detract from your image, and cause hours of your life to be wasted due to the cutting process, I say that all ten toenails should be removed from newborn babies.  If a baby was coherent enough to understand the scenario and was able to speak, how do you think that they would answer this question:  Would you rather have one single circumcision or would you rather have all ten of your toenails ripped out?  I’ll bet option number two would be the most popular.


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31 responses to “Toenail Mystery

  1. Thank you for stopping by my blog….I had to laugh at the randomness of this post….love it!

  2. Agreed, they do nothing for anyone, and women are expected to paint them. So much work for nothing. But picture toes without nails…weird, isn’t it? I also think that the only hair people need is on their head, eyebrows and eyelashes, everywhere else is completely unnecessary.

    • I think I could be quite satisfied without toenails. I would get over the weird fast. …and coming from someone who will most likely be bald one day, hair on the head is also not really needed.

  3. My husband has had his big toe nails removed as they kept “ingrowing” practical but not pretty! Such is life

  4. Hahaha! toenail booger picking 🙂

  5. Very deep, very profound. Now I must go ponder this 🙂

  6. jennifer daykin glotz

    Am i the only one grossed out by the thought of nasty toe nails clogging the bathroom sink drain?? Liquid plummer is a pretty good product but come on…ewww. eventually somebody is gonna have to snake that sucker ( and that’s not a euphemism for anything fun) that is all.

  7. jennifer daykin glotz

    Kind Sir,
    The last thing I would want you to be burdened with is the soul crushing thought that you yourself are the bearer of the world’s only nasty toenails. Please know that was not my intention. What was meant by my hastily typed missive, was toenails are nasty in general. As for your shrapnel problem, mayhaps you could fashion a sort of device to circumvent said shrapnel from plunging down the drain??

  8. Take up long distance running. I’ve lost three toenails. The wimpy little things that try to grow back are much easier to clip than the originals, plus it’s a reason to barter for a cheaper pedicure being that there are less for her to cure.

  9. Well, several years ago I actually had half of my big toenail removed due to it being ingrown. The doctor told me that he could put something on it to deaden the nail to keep it from growing back. I declined because I’m from the south and we love flip flops and sandals!! I was so glad that it grew back before spring. From a woman’s perspective, they are totally cosmetic. This coming from a woman who ALWAYS keeps her toenails polished. I will have to say, no toenails is ugly. Some people have some nasty looking feet, but personally I think they would look worse without toenails. So useless like the appendix? Possibly, but more aesthetically pleasing. 😊

  10. Mine act as shivs; lethal weapons in small beds when filed into the appropriate blade-like angle. Thanks for stopping by Fried Neck Bones…and Some Home Fries.

  11. jennifer daykin glotz

    Ha ha shivs… sounds a lot like my husband’s toenails. While sleeping, his legs have a tendancy to flail. I have suffered many a wound in our marital bed, and am quite aware that the next one i could very well bleed out. But alas, my love for him is such that death by toenail is a risk i am willing to take.

  12. Toenails are an ancient yoga thing. There are indeed there to be trimmed but by the teeth of the owner. You are then and only then, regardless of how ecological your mat is or how long your beard, even if you’re a guy, deemed a yogi
    Love Smarmy Soupontheveranda

  13. Funny topic… who doesn’t have a toenail story… lol. Big Brother Australia Entrant Ray has collected his toenails in a jar since he was 12…. Disgusting I say!! Perhaps there is an Antiques Roadshow Episode on Toenail collectors that I have missed…… 🙂

  14. Not a hobby, just a disgusting habit is what I would call it. BB hasn’t asked him why he does it…… but I’m sure several hours with a physiotherapist would sort out the problem….. or would it….. lol.

  15. Pingback: Voices In His Head

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