I Scream for Warmth

It’s that time of the year.  The temperature is dropping and the windshield is frosted over in the mornings.  Someone please remind me why I haven’t cleaned up the garage so that my car will fit once again.  This morning I couldn’t find my windshield scraper, so I used my driver’s license.

My son had a baseball game yesterday and it was simply painful to sit and watch.  It was freezing outside and the children were running the bases like a frozen river.  You see, frozen rivers don’t actually run.  Because they are frozen.  Like ice.  Ice that doesn’t run.

And then out of nowhere, the ice-cream truck shows up.  Music playing and trolling for customers.  Seriously.  I figure there can only be a couple of reasons.  One possibility is that the owner of this wonderful business still has inventory that he really needs to sell before turning off the refrigerator-on-wheels for the season.  A second possibility is that he hasn’t kidnapped his quota of children for the season yet.  I think the hunting license allows you to get up to seven children per season.

Perhaps the owner no longer has the ability to feel the cold weather because he is working in a refrigerator.  Perhaps he is simply brain damaged—one too many bomb-pops.

After a thorough discussion with my children, we came to realize something very important.  We believe the public should be informed.  This is what we learned:  Based on the appearance of the owner of this ice-cream truck, ice-cream actually causes tattoos.  Apparently hanging around ice-cream all day causes artwork to bleed ink up and down your arms.  It must be some kind of reaction that the body goes through while seeking warmth.

Although more research is needed, we also believe that ice-cream might also lead to missing teeth.  Not just one or two.  Typically, it leads to one or two remaining teeth.

Buy my books dipped in chocolate crunch.

10 responses to “I Scream for Warmth

  1. Ha! This is funny. Only I thought that the child-hunting quota was 5 in most states…

    • thatfunnyblogguy

      You might be right. This being an election year, you hear all sorts of candidates spouting off numbers that you can’t verify. I’ve heard some go as low as two and other say its closer to fourteen.

  2. Ha! Leave my ice cream men alone… summer, winter, spring and fall – every season is ice cream season. However, sometimes you need to put a scoop in your hot cocoa, especially during those games. been there!

  3. Good stuff. Like it. My brother asked me recently, “don’t you get ice cream dreams?” “That’s ridiculous. No such thing,” I said. And then I had a dream about my son sharpening some knives and the worldwide shortage of potassium. So now I can’t eat ice cream under the threat of divorce. And as for getting cold at ball games, I’d recommend jumping up and down while hanging on the fence and yelling helpful advice at your boy, like “throw the ball. Get the ball out of your glove!” when he’s coming up to bat, or sitting quietly in the dugout.

  4. Very informative, thank you. I was in a police lineup recently, and I realize now that the guys on either side of me were ice cream vendors… : )

  5. Hey, maybe that ice cream guy was singing the two front teeth song too! hehe. I enjoy you writing and sense of humor, delightfully off, which I totally get! Thanks for the chuckle

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