I hung out on Facebook during yesterday’s Super Bowl. Hey, am I allowed to say “Super Bowl” without paying the NFL some chunk of money? Probably not. Alright, starting over… I hung out on Facebook during yesterday’s “Big Game”. In years past, I focused only on the game—no other media required, needed, or desired. This year, I tried to keep up with the social media frenzy. Although, I still don’t have a Twitter account. So here is the recap of my running Big Game commentary.
I’m a big American football fan, but I’m a bigger fan of Super Bowl commercials. This year wasn’t the greatest, but I still enjoyed the effort put forth by those filthy rich companies.
To get the ball rolling, I put up the following Facebook status.
“Anything interesting on television tonight?”
I know, not incredible funny, but one particular response made my day. This person responded with, “Nope, I’ll probably just sit around reading your book.” The genius of this response has made him my new best Facebook friend. He rocks.
My next update went like this.
“Ray Ray go away. Come back another day—or not.”
Now you know that I wasn’t cheering for the Ravens. Too bad they won the game.
Oh man! That should have had the spoiler alert in front of it! Sorry about that.
During the opening ceremony there was an individual on the field participating the singing of America the Beautiful and the National Anthem by providing the sign language for the deaf people out there watching. It’s nice to cater to them, make them feel like a part of the party. No problem there. But there was a huge problem with that guy’s hair. It was a mix between a toupee and fresh road kill in the pouring rain. It was so awesome! So I posted this.
“How do you sign the words ‘bad hair piece’?”
Superbowl Sign Language Guy
I think this guy had a wonderful command of the signed language but I had doubts about his vision. Clearly he was blind, because he sure didn’t see himself in the mirror before standing in front of millions of people.
Hey Marcus. That was mean. Sorry.
“Oreos are in first place.”
This was posted in reference to the Oreo commercial that had people “arguing quietly” in a library. The argument escalates and things get broken and cars end up crashing through the walls. All the while, people continued to whisper the whole time. The best whisperer was a police officer with a bull horn—which produced a whisper. I think this was the best commercial. I might be biased to Oreos. The greatest chunk of trans-fat/lard that this world has ever produced. Yum!
Next up was Calvin Klein and their stud muffin boy flexing and stretching in his fancy underwear. The commercial concluded by noting the name given to these drawers. The underwear was branded with the name “Concept”. This makes me want to run right out and buy a six pack of tighty whiteys right now.
“Hey Calvin, what is the new ‘Concept’ in underwear? I thought the only idea was to keep your stuff from touching your jeans.”
How about a little bit of football commentary?
“Grade school coverage.”
The 49-ers blew deep coverage that led to an easy touchdown for the Ravens. I don’t want to talk about it.
Next up was the half time show. It was produced by Pepsi. Beyoncé danced, sang, wiggled, and bounced. Real family style entertainment. No wardrobe malfunction, but there were so many opportunities. So I posted the following.
“Super Boob half time show. Oh sorry, did I say boob. I meant bowl. Super bowl half time. My bad.”
The lights were flashing, the flares were firing, and the lasers were beaming.
“This hurts my brain. I just had my third seizure.”
The wardrobes were actually designed to malfunction. The fact that they did not malfunction was actually a malfunction which left millions of middle aged men across the globe who would never even consider going to a Beyoncé concert feeling a little bit disappointed.
“Victoria’s secret half time show sponsored by Pepsi.”
After the half show peep show, most of the lights went out in the stadium. An odd freakish thing. The television booth commentators were cut off and they had to go to the side line reporter to continue the voice commentating. The “lights out” thing lasted about a half hour. The people on the screen where desperate to fill the down time with anything they can think of. They reviewed the game highlights, talked about the stadium lights, they discussed the safety of the spectators. And then they did it again. And again. It felt like hours to us and probably days to them.
“Nothing better than filler commentating.”
They also ensured the viewing audience that play will resume as soon as the lights come back up. I heard them say it at least five times. Really? Do you really think they needed to tell us that the biggest game of the year will continue?
“This just in. After the lights are fully restored, play will resume. Really? Because I thought they were about to call it a draw, make the teams hold hands, and skip down the field singing ‘Why Can’t We Be Friends’”.
Jim Nantz, the commentator in the booth, finally had his microphone turned back on. One of the first things that he said on air to his booth partner was that his partner needed to tell everyone else before he plugs in his phone charger. Oh, Jim, stop! You’re killing me.
“Nantz had at least 27 minutes to come up that phone charger joke. Someone needs to cut the power on his mic again.”
They played the camera shot that capture the moment when the lights went out about five or six times. Even if you didn’t catch it in real time, I think you can picture the scene. One moment the lights were on. The next moment they were off. You can in fact reproduce the effect with your kitchen light switch. You can do so by flipping the switch. Go on and try it. You can pretend that you spent a thousand dollars on a Super Bowl ticket. Go stand by the light switch and then flip it off. Wait thirty minutes and then turn them back on. Wow! It’s just like you were there, and way cheaper!
“I need to see the replay of the lights going out in slow motion. Did they really just show that again?”
Back to the commercials. There was a multi-million dollar beer commercial that had a singing fish.
“I’ve always said, singing fish can sell beer.”
I’m always saying that! A fish who sings can make a perfect beer commercial. Now, take that same singing fish and try to sell a car. No way. It won’t work. Singing fish can only sell beer. …and McDonald’s fish sandwiches. Yeah, those too.
I don’t know if other people picked up on this little fact, but the announcers made such a big deal about how one of the team’s kickers was already out on the field as they introduced his team when they all came running out of the tunnel. I guess it was a little odd, but not really a big deal. The announcers brought up this story about four times as if it was affecting the game play.
“The kicker was on the field before all the other players. This is important because… Oh wait. It’s not important at all, but if we keep saying it, it might become important.”
Well that’s about it. My commentary slacked off near the end of the game because my team put together a last minute drive right down to the end zone. They almost won the game! Which is exactly the same thing as losing. I don’t want to talk about it.
Oh, one more thing. My spell checker has pointed out that “Superbowl” is actually two words. I checked with the NFL and in fact it is two words. It was my mistake (I corrected them all already). The interesting thing here is that the spell checker suggested two possible corrections. The first correction was in fact to include the space: “Super Bowl”. The second suggestion was far more interesting: “Superb Owl”. How awesome is that?
If I were to add an additional team to the NFL, I would make sure that the team mascot would be the Owl. The team would be the Superb Owls. Year after year, they would have the Super Bowl built right into their team name! It would be destiny every year.
Buy my Super Book (or my Superb Ook).