Monthly Archives: February 2013

Random Voices #3

I’m a little light on material these days.  Nothing wrong, really.  It’s simply that the voices in my head have only been bringing me small scenarios.  Nothing that I can use to write a longer drawn out story.  So here are a few random thoughts.

When someone says, “don’t hold your breath” as a means to convey the message, “it’s not going to happen!”  I always think to myself, “What if I was underwater to begin with?  Isn’t holding my breath something that would be in my best interest?”

This is the first blog that I titled “Random Voices”.  It would be foolish to begin a search for the first or second edition.

I think the Dark Forest (somewhere in Germany) was named during the night.  When the sun rose in the morning, the people who came up with the name were like, “Oh man!  Look how green this place is!  And look how much light is shining above it!  Maybe we should have named this place the Light Green Forest.”

When someone says, “I have to pee like a racehorse!”  I always picture them getting down on all four, peeing, and then entering the starting gates.  Put your money on these people.  They will probably win the race, but they probably aren’t winners.

When someone says, “I have to pee like you wouldn’t believe!”  I always picture them standing on their head first.  I seriously would not believe that.

I have to stop typing now because I have to use the bathroom.

Buy my book for the back of your toilet.

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Ipad App Updates

My ipad is packed full of very important apps that I use daily to increase my productivity.  Yeah, there is an app for that.  For instance, there is the calendar app.  I have it sync’ed up with my Google calendar and now I never miss an appointment.  Except when I do.

And then there are the ever-so important mind strengthening games:  Temple Run, Cut the Rope, Where’s My Water, Bloons, etc.  If you don’t know what these games are, do not go looking for them.  I said, “NOT”.  Watch your step here.  If you find these games, your life will be ruined for the next three weeks—perhaps longer.  Friends and family will fall to the wayside.  You’ll be all too consumed with  those crazy little monkeys popping that one last balloon as if your life depended upon it.  “Yeah, son, that school project that you asked me to help with that’s due tomorrow… I’ll help you out first thing next Tuesday. ”

I guess the best app on my ipad is the online Bible that I downloaded.  That’s right, I have the Bible on my ipad just the way God intended his word to be read: scrolling with one finger, adjusting the font size on the fly, changing the screen brightness to benefit your eyes.  Yes God, you’ve come a long way since etching these good words on stone tablets.

So imagine my surprise as I was checking for “app updates”.

Hey, are you actually imagining it?  Or are you just reading lazy?  Come on, play along now.  You have to “bring it” when reading my blog.

The room was dark and the burning glow of the ipad screen shined upward on Marcus’s face.  In this dimly lit room, the shadows on his face twisted his facial expressions into an unnatural state.  He appeared haunted, somewhat crazed, as he worked the touch screen with an experts command.

No wait.  Image this instead.

The room was dark.   Only light from his ipad and fireplace shined across Marcus’s body.  He was lying on the floor in front of the warm fire, propped up on one elbow.  His torso was twisted to the right which allowed the light from the fireplace to highlight the hills and valleys of his six-pack abs.  

Whoa.  That was creepier than I thought.  You don’t have to “bring it” anymore.

So anyway… I was simply looking for ipad updates for possible fresh releases of new levels to all my awesome time-wasting games when I saw the following.

“Bible – update available”

What is this?  A Bible update!  God is updating the Bible and he is sending me the next installment!  How crazy awesome it that?  Thanks God.

With my mind jumping and my heart thumping I pushed the “update now” button.  I wondered what more God has to say.  Will this next book continue where the last one left off?  Is this a Hollywood style prequel explaining the time before the “In the beginning”?  Or better yet, what I was really hoping for:  Jesus, the Teenage Years.

Of course, as it turns out, the application itself needed the update and not the actual story and words.  Still, I was a little disappointed.  I would have liked to read about Jesus in high school and how he served and saved the children enslaved in after-school detention.

Buy my not quite divine book.

Fishnet Stockings!

fishnet

(my wife’s foot)

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

Toilet Paper Packaging

Does anyone have a need for toilet paper ads anymore?  You’re probably already sold on the product.  It’s a need, not a want.  And yet, the ads and packaging are out there—no signs of relenting.  Recently, I was looking at the packaging of several different brands names and I saw a baby, a puppy, and a cartoon bear.

Let’s discuss.  Shall we?

A baby?  Adorable yes, but does a baby make a good mascot?  Nope.  I think babies should stick to selling diapers.  What do they know about toilet paper?  They have no business selling toilet paper.  Baby wipes are the correct tool for their world, not toilet paper.

A puppy?  How does this sell toilet paper?  Perhaps if you are training a dog that continues to crap on your carpet, this is the brand for you.

A cartoon bear?  Maybe the company owning this particular brand of toilet paper is trying to answer the question, “does a bear shit in the woods?”  Yes, he does!  And then he wipes his rear end with a set of two-ply cotton-like extra strong squares of the softest paper known to man and bear alike.

No.  No, these are all wrong.  A better choice for a picture on your toilet paper packaging would be a grown man holding a half eaten burrito in one hand and a tube of hemorrhoid cream in the other.  You see the logic here?  This image would clearly highlight the credibility of the paper product.  Obviously this guy will not be as cute as the puppy, but he will clearly be a more effective example of the scenarios that this toilet paper can handle.

Would you buy my book if it had a baby, a bear, and puppy on the cover?

My Super Bowl Recap

I hung out on Facebook during yesterday’s Super Bowl.  Hey, am I allowed to say “Super Bowl” without paying the NFL some chunk of money?  Probably not.  Alright, starting over… I hung out on Facebook during yesterday’s “Big Game”.  In years past, I focused only on the game—no other media required, needed, or desired.  This year, I tried to keep up with the social media frenzy.  Although, I still don’t have a Twitter account.  So here is the recap of my running Big Game commentary.

I’m a big American football fan, but I’m a bigger fan of Super Bowl commercials.  This year wasn’t the greatest, but I still enjoyed the effort put forth by those filthy rich companies.

To get the ball rolling, I put up the following Facebook status.

“Anything interesting on television tonight?”

I know, not incredible funny, but one particular response made my day.  This person responded with, “Nope, I’ll probably just sit around reading your book.”  The genius of this response has made him my new best Facebook friend.  He rocks.

My next update went like this.

“Ray Ray go away.  Come back another day—or not.”

Now you know that I wasn’t cheering for the Ravens.  Too bad they won the game.

Oh man!  That should have had the spoiler alert in front of it!  Sorry about that.

During the opening ceremony there was an individual on the field participating the singing of America the Beautiful and the National Anthem by providing the sign language for the deaf people out there watching.  It’s nice to cater to them, make them feel like a part of the party.  No problem there.  But there was a huge problem with that guy’s hair.  It was a mix between a toupee and fresh road kill in the pouring rain.  It was so awesome!  So I posted this.

“How do you sign the words ‘bad hair piece’?”

sign guy 2

Superbowl Sign Language Guy

I think this guy had a wonderful command of the signed language but I had doubts about his vision.  Clearly he was blind, because he sure didn’t see himself in the mirror before standing in front of millions of people.

Hey Marcus.  That was mean.   Sorry.

“Oreos are in first place.”

This was posted in reference to the Oreo commercial that had people “arguing quietly” in a library.  The argument escalates and things get broken and cars end up crashing through the walls.  All the while, people continued to whisper the whole time.  The best whisperer was a police officer with a bull horn—which produced a whisper.  I think this was the best commercial.  I might be biased to Oreos.  The greatest chunk of trans-fat/lard that this world has ever produced.  Yum!

Next up was Calvin Klein and their stud muffin boy flexing and stretching in his fancy underwear.  The commercial concluded by noting the name given to these drawers.  The underwear was branded with the name “Concept”.  This makes me want to run right out and buy a six pack of tighty whiteys right now.

“Hey Calvin, what is the new ‘Concept’ in underwear? I thought the only idea was to keep your stuff from touching your jeans.”

How about a little bit of football commentary?

“Grade school coverage.”

The 49-ers blew deep coverage that led to an easy touchdown for the Ravens.  I don’t want to talk about it.

Next up was the half time show.  It was produced by Pepsi.  Beyoncé danced, sang, wiggled, and bounced.  Real family style entertainment.  No wardrobe malfunction, but there were so many opportunities.  So I posted the following.

“Super Boob half time show. Oh sorry, did I say boob. I meant bowl. Super bowl half time.  My bad.”

The lights were flashing, the flares were firing, and the lasers were beaming.

“This hurts my brain. I just had my third seizure.”

The wardrobes were actually designed to malfunction.  The fact that they did not malfunction was actually a malfunction which left millions of middle aged men across the globe who would never even consider going to a Beyoncé concert feeling a little bit disappointed.

“Victoria’s secret half time show sponsored by Pepsi.”

After the half show peep show, most of the lights went out in the stadium.  An odd freakish thing.  The television booth commentators were cut off and they had to go to the side line reporter to continue the voice commentating.  The “lights out” thing lasted about a half hour.  The people on the screen where desperate to fill the down time with anything they can think of.  They reviewed the game highlights, talked about the stadium lights, they discussed the safety of the spectators.  And then they did it again.  And again.  It felt like hours to us and probably days to them.

“Nothing better than filler commentating.”

They also ensured the viewing audience that play will resume as soon as the lights come back up.  I heard them say it at least five times.  Really?  Do you really think they needed to tell us that the biggest game of the year will continue?

“This just in. After the lights are fully restored, play will resume. Really? Because I thought they were about to call it a draw, make the teams hold hands, and skip down the field singing ‘Why Can’t We Be Friends’”.

Jim Nantz, the commentator in the booth, finally had his microphone turned back on.  One of the first things that he said on air to his booth partner was that his partner needed to tell everyone else before he plugs in his phone charger.  Oh, Jim, stop!  You’re killing me.

“Nantz had at least 27 minutes to come up that phone charger joke. Someone needs to cut the power on his mic again.”

They played the camera shot that capture the moment when the lights went out about five or six times.  Even if you didn’t catch it in real time, I think you can picture the scene.  One moment the lights were on.  The next moment they were off.  You can in fact reproduce the effect with your kitchen light switch.  You can do so by flipping the switch.  Go on and try it.  You can pretend that you spent a thousand dollars on a Super Bowl ticket.  Go stand by the light switch and then flip it off.  Wait thirty minutes and then turn them back on.  Wow!  It’s just like you were there, and way cheaper!

“I need to see the replay of the lights going out in slow motion. Did they really just show that again?”

Back to the commercials.  There was a multi-million dollar beer commercial that had a singing fish.

“I’ve always said, singing fish can sell beer.”

I’m always saying that!  A fish who sings can make a perfect beer commercial.  Now, take that same singing fish and try to sell a car.  No way.  It won’t work.  Singing fish can only sell beer.  …and McDonald’s fish sandwiches.  Yeah, those too.

I don’t know if other people picked up on this little fact, but the announcers made such a big deal about how one of the team’s kickers was already out on the field as they introduced his team when they all came running out of the tunnel.  I guess it was a little odd, but not really a big deal.  The announcers brought up this story about four times as if it was affecting the game play.

“The kicker was on the field before all the other players. This is important because… Oh wait. It’s not important at all, but if we keep saying it, it might become important.”

Well that’s about it.  My commentary slacked off near the end of the game because my team put together a last minute drive right down to the end zone.  They almost won the game!  Which is exactly the same thing as losing.  I don’t want to talk about it.

Oh, one more thing.  My spell checker has pointed out that “Superbowl” is actually two words.  I checked with the NFL and in fact it is two words.  It was my mistake (I corrected them all already).  The interesting thing here is that the spell checker suggested two possible corrections.  The first correction was in fact to include the space: “Super Bowl”.  The second suggestion was far more interesting:  “Superb Owl”.  How awesome is that?

If I were to add an additional team to the NFL, I would make sure that the team mascot would be the Owl.  The team would be the Superb Owls.  Year after year, they would have the Super Bowl built right into their team name!  It would be destiny every year.

Buy my Super Book (or my Superb Ook).

Sorry, My Mistake

My published book has a few typos.  And this is the Errata page.

Hey, did you even know I was selling a book?  Click this now.

I’m not proud of these errors, but I guess it wasn’t unexpected.  My son was my most active proof reader.  He was twelve at the time.  So here it is, a list of the known and reported mistakes along with an explanation on how each error came to be.  Note: The unknown errors are not yet included in this list.

Page 59:  There was a whole in the gas tank, but it was on the upper right side of the tank.

There was a hole – not a whole with a “w”.  In fact it was whole hole.  Because even a half of a hole is still a whole hole.  Kind of blows your mind.  Your hole mind.

Page 102:  Life father like son.

Like father like son.  Because “life fathers” are nothing like sons.

Page 124:  I would accept the friendship of Julia, Frosty, LeBron, and Johnathan.

This error is almost forgivable.  The individual second in the list actually spells his name “Frostee”.  I can’t be held too responsible for this one since I grew up watching that wild snowman named Frosty every Christmas season.  And Frosty the Snowman was all-living long before it became kool to spell thingz with alternate letterz.

Page 157:  The stuff does works!

Not only does this stuff work, but it worked so good that I had to say it with a plural.  It’s like working twice.

The first error took 59 pages to create.  The next came 43 pages later.  Then 22 pages passed and it happened again.  Finally, a 33 page margin passed by before the last error.  Mathematically, I produce and publish a typo every 39.25 pages.  You know what that means?  To put it another way, if the errors were days, I would make only a fraction of a mistake per month.  That is an amazing coincidence.  It just happens to line up exactly with the amazing amount of perfect that I bleed every day.

So there.  I really feel better now that I got that off my chest.  I’ll just continue my near perfection now…

By mi bok.  You’l enjoys it.