Monthly Archives: March 2013

Diapers and Wipers

I think its time to give you another sample from my book.  A fellow blogger recently passed through this section.  She then repeated it to her mother and they both had a good laugh.  So in summary, my book has the ability to bring you and your mother to a new level in bonding–a real relationship builder.  No need to thank me, just buy the book.

As a father raising infants and then toddlers, I was always looking forward to the day I no longer had to change diapers. I can recall other parents mocking and laughing because their kid was just one stage ahead of mine. They were done with diapers. I was still doing the changing thing. And then when the day finally arrived and my boys were done with diapers, I realized that I was not done cleaning up turds after all. It’s a little secret that nobody wants to tell you in advance. After you’re done with diapers you still have a good year or two of a little voice yelling from behind the bathroom door, “daddy, wipe my butt!” My mother (the Grandma in the next status update) told me this story and I had to share it. Mainly because misery loves company—especially when wiping dirty little butts.

September 16, 2009 at 8:00 am

Marcus Matherne: My niece yells from the bathroom, “Grandma, wipe my butt!” Grandma says, “You’re old enough to do that yourself.” She yells back, “But if you do it, I don’t have to wash my hands.”

Absolutely brilliant.

Buy my book–and no I won’t wipe your butt.

Silly Rabbit

I have some really surprising news.  I’m not really sure how to properly convey this scenario to you, so I’ll just put it out there.  But first I have to ask.  Do you remember that commercial from long ago?  There were these two children keeping a poor desperate rabbit from eating their precious bowls of cereal.  All the while these nasty children would be taunting the rabbit with hurtful words, “Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!”  Mean little selfish brats.

I picked up a box of Trix the other day.  There was no rabbit in sight, although I probably would have given the pathetic little hare a handful of those colorful little cereal puffs just to make him go away.  I’m far more generous than those evil little punks.  I was actually pretty excited about my box of Trix because I haven’t had this particular junky cereal in a long time.

I love cereal.  If you’ve been hanging around this blog, you should have already known that.  Review Cereal Circles and/or Cereal Killers.  I recommend the “and” rather than the “or”.  I’m a 42 year old man, husband, father of two boys, and I can’t help the fact that the garbage cereals still taste delicious to me.  We currently have our pantry stocked with Reese’s Puffs, Lucky Charms, Coco-Puffs, Froot Loops, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Trix.  And that list is the list of opened boxes.

Here is the really surprising part.  I poured a bowl of Trix—still no rabbit in sight.  Filled my bowl with the proper amount of milk.  Got my spoon and dug in.

They taste like crap!  The fact this cereal is made up of round little balls exactly the same size as rabbit turds makes me think that maybe the rabbit was up to something devious—if you know what I mean.  Can you picture him working with his finger paints.  “I’ll make this one red.  This one green.  Ha!  Watch those kids try to keep this bowl from me!”

Actually, I guess that isn’t really fair.  They don’t exactly taste like crap.  More accurately, Trix taste like nothing.  As in no taste at all.  Is this because I’m getting close to an age where junky cereals are going to become unappealing?  I hope not.  I’m still coo-coo for Coco-Puffs.  I think Lucky Charms are magically delicious.  I still think Frosted Flakes taste great.  I’m mean really great, like with ten or so letter R’s.  But what happened to Trix?  They taste like little puffs of colored Styrofoam.  And it doesn’t matter what color of puff ball I try.  They all taste like nothing.  Red.  Nothing.  Orange.  Nothing.  Even the “all new” swirled colored puffs.  Nothing.

Someone stole my flavor!  Now I’m starting to think that maybe those mean-spirited kids were on to something.  Silly Marcus, Trix are for kids.  Do kids still think that this particular cereal is good?  I doubt it.

Hey silly rabbit, swing by my house and you can have the whole tasteless box of this bland garbage cereal all to yourself.  Is this really what you were scrambling for all these years?  It’s all yours.  I’ll even feed you the whole box right in front of those horrible, stingy little kids.  I’ll even force them to watch.

Buy my flavorful book.