Biblical Voices

Genesis Voices 1

In the beginning due to an extreme boredom resulting from existing since forever, God decided to create the heavens and the earth.  Now the earth was formless and empty and yet had a pleasant smell similar to a chocolate fountain, except that He hadn’t created chocolate yet.  Darkness was over the surface of the deep (as well as the bottom too—I mean, hey, it was way down there).  The Spirit of God was hovering over the waters thinking about His big plan, waterskiing, and Spring Break.

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.  But first, he shaded His eyes to avoid that brain burning sensation that you can get when walking outdoors from the inside of a dark building.  God saw that the light was good, and He tirelessly separated the light from the darkness—energy waves in one pile, and lack of energy waves in a second pile.  God called the light “day,” the darkness he called “night”, and the mixture of the two “shade.”  And there was evening, and there was morning, and there was five o’clock quitting time—the first day.

And God said, “Let there be a vault between the waters to separate water from water.”   And then he thought, “Why am I talking to myself?  Odd.”  So God made the vault and separated the water under the vault from the water above it—which was exactly what He said He would do out loud just moments ago.  And it was so.  God called the vault “sky”, cleverly avoiding that pesky little word “the”.  Not “the sky” but simply just “sky.”  And there was evening, and there was morning, and there was quarter to five quitting time (no one was watching)—the second day.

And God said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.  Huh, talking to Myself again.”  And it was so.  After putting away His shop-vac, God called the dry ground “land,” and the gathered waters He called “seas” and the smaller ones “puddles.”  And God saw that it was good.  He would have seen that it was great, but some of the land had cracks.  He let the waters fill these cracks and He called them “rivers”.  “That’s better than good and only slightly below great,” said God to Himself once again.

Then God quietly said as He began to think that talking to Himself might be frowned upon by those who read this story thousands of years from now, “Let the land produce vegetation: apple trees, dandelions, kiwi plants, and maybe a banana or two.  And let there be vegetables as well.  And make the vegetables less tasty but more healthy.”  And it was so.  The land produced vegetation and soon thereafter God realized that weeding the entire earth was back breaking difficult work.  But when the gardens began to flourish, God saw that it was good.  All good, except for the amazing amount of dirt under His fingernails—the third day.

And God said (completely resigned to talking aloud to himself), “The lighting around here is terrible.  Let there be lights in the sky so that I can actually see what I am doing here.  And hey, let them blink off and on repeatedly so that there will be day and night.”  And it was so.  And for too long of a time, God was playing around with the strobe light effect that He created.  Far later, after the initial amusement faded, He slowed the strobe light down to one blink every twenty-four hours.

He also made the stars.  He did this using a cheap dart board set that He picked up at a garage sale.  He probably should have put a large piece of wood or a spare sheet of dry wall behind the dart board to protect the sky.  “Well at least these holes of light make the night sky beautiful to gaze at.  Maybe darts are not My thing.”  And God decided that His lack of dart skills was just fine (not good or great, just fine).  And there was evening, and there was a late night snack, and there was morning—the fourth day.

And God shouted (completely giving into His curious habit of talking to Himself), “I want an aquarium!  Put fish in the water and a cute little treasure chest that will open and close with bubbles.”  And God saw that it was way cool.  “Let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky, but not above My car.  Never above My car.”  So God created all sorts of sea creatures and every winged bird according to its kind.  He even made some birds with wings that could not fly because He thought that was funny.  And God saw that it was good until some of the birds started get too close to His car.  He then decided that this was just a hint shy of good.  God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and let birds increase on the earth.  And I will make a garage for my car.”  And there was evening, and a flat screen television in His garage, and there was morning—the fifth day.

And God said aloud and to Himself with a new found sense of confidence, “Talking to Myself is not a bad thing.  Let the land produce living creatures like chickens, cows and a seven hundred pound dog.  Let these creatures move along the ground.”  And it was so.  That is, it was so, until He stepped in a seventeen pound pile of dog droppings.  “On second thought, make the typical dog average about fifty pounds in total weight,” said God while scraping at His sandals.  And God saw that it was wasn’t exactly good, but He ran with it anyway.

Then God said, “Let there be mankind so that I can talk aloud and not feel odd about talking to Myself anymore.  Make mankind so they can rule over the fish and the birds, over the livestock and other wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.  Including spiders.  Even the really big hairy looking ones.”

So God created mankind in his own image, because He didn’t want to be the only one with back-hair, a bald spot, and the occasional outbreak of acne.  God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number.  Rule over the fish, birds, chickens, and even that nasty looking centipede over there.”

Then God said for the first time with someone actually present to hear Him, “I give you all the plants on the face of the whole earth.  They will be yours for food.  Try not to choke on the cantaloupe.  First, cut them into small pieces.  And to all the beasts of the earth, I give every green plant for food.  I was going to go with blue plants, but it just looked weird.”  And it was so.  Food was green, food was not blue.

God saw all that he had made, and it was good.  In fact, very good.  And there was evening, morning, evening, morning, evening, morning, evening, morning because He started playing with the strobe light again.  And then He stopped and called it the end of the sixth day.

Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.

Genesis Voices 2

By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing.  Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.  Seriously, He was exhausted.  Creating every single thing ever is tiring.  And then He remembered that He created the couch and the blanket.  And then He invented snoring.

Ok I’m done for now.  I’ll stop here.

So how offended are you?  My hope is not at all.  God’s presence in my life is growing everyday and He continues to put odd voices in my head.  My desire here was only to make you smile and to think about God for a moment in time when perhaps you weren’t planning to.  And if you have never read the Bible before, maybe you should crack it open and find out what voices you hear.

Shall I continue with more of the story?

Is it wrong to plug my books here?  Probably.

21 responses to “Biblical Voices

  1. I strongly believe that God has a very good sense of humor, or we really wouldn’t be here.

    • …and thanks for being the first to comment and like. I was honestly concerned about how this post would be received, but there was only one way to find out. God must have a sense of humor to allow me to think the odds things that pass through my head. Looking forward to reading more comments (up or down).

  2. This article is both clever and entertaining, not unlike some of the Christian humor of the likes of Ken Davis and Dennis Swanberg. Very well done.

  3. This was great! I didn’t find it offensive. Although, I know there are some people who take this stuff VERY seriously, and I don’t know how they’d react, but I think this was a great way to make us think about God. Clever. Nicely done. 🙂

  4. 1wanderingtruthseeker

    well done!

  5. “And make the vegetables less tasty but more healthy” OMG. BWAHAHA

  6. You got me like a ton of bricks from the left – I LOLed.

    less tasty but more healthy – funny.

  7. If your time is correct here, It took four hours and ten minutes for you to get that first comment. Did you worry about the post during that time? 😉

    Somewhere along the way, I thought, “What is wrong with you!!” Then I laughed. Then I thought, “Is this blasphemous?” And then I laughed again.

    God created a sense of humor, so He has one. And He put some of that humor in your head. Nuff said.

    • Yeah, that was a long delay and a bit stressful. Even now, it has a lower “like” count than my other posts. So either the offended people are simply staying quiet or peoples are afraid to laugh with God. Dunno. I liked it…

  8. Hey Marcus, Really liked this one – kinda existential. Yes, God definitely mutters aloud.

  9. Take it from a woman with 6 kids – one for every type of birth control known to man at the time – God has a fantastic sense of humor. I needed a good laugh. Thanks for providing one today! (Oh, and thanks for stopping by.)

  10. I was reading your…er…when God made the heavens and the earth….and my hovercraft would speed and slow and speed again… At one point, somewhere in the middle of it all…I gave my head a shake and decided to go into the kitchen to treat myself to a bowl of soup. Isn’t he mocking? Isn’t he being…offensive? Then, why, oh why! do I have this “like” for the guy?! I come to the end…I breathe out. You’re like a little brother I’d like to sit on:) Gotta go eat my soup. Actually, I think I may go snooping here for something else…

    • The intent of this writing was to provide humor and to have people “thinking God”. Hopefully you can continue reading and enjoying the humor that God gave me. I know He laughs with us (and I’ll bet sometimes “at” me–but loves endlessly anyway).

  11. lol, ok, you convinced me in 3 posts to follow. good writing, great wit. kudos

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