Sleeping In

Sound asleep.  That was me until my alarm started beeping and bonking.  My first emotion of the day was disappointment.  Here’s why.

It was Saturday.  A day to actually sleep in.  Nothing to do.  Sleep until your body says done.  These days, my Saturday-sleep-in is usually cancelled because I’m a professional chauffeur.  My teenage boys need to be at the school for something or on the fields for something else.  And I am the driver.

I guess I’m not really a professional.  That would imply that I’m getting paid for my services.  How many professional chauffeurs drop their clients off and then have to fork over five bucks so that their clients can buy a drink and a hot dog?  I’m guessing “none” is the answer.  But how awesome would that be?  A stupid chauffeur that pays you.

“Sir, we have reached your destination.  Let me get the door for you.  And sir, here is your tip.”  The driver hands you a five-spot.

“Shouldn’t I be tipping you?”

“Oh, is that how it should work?”

“No, your way is good.  But now I can’t believe that you actually got us here safely.”

“Are you calling me stupid?”

“Sort of.”

“Oh.  Alright, here is five more dollars.”

Back on track.  This Saturday I had nothing planned.  No morning events at all.  Boys sleeping in like the good little teenage slugs that they should be.  But there was my alarm—yelling at me like the angry little chunk of electronics that it is.  Rude really.  I rolled over to shut it off, cursing it the whole time.  Bad electronics.  Stupid electronics.  If I had any water left in my nightstand glass you would become smoking electronics.  Who makes the mistake of setting the alarm on a Saturday?  People with evil electronics, that’s who.

With the disappointed emotion in full swing, I turned off the alarm.  Silence again.  Relax.  I can get over this situation.  I can find sleep once again.  And just as I was returning to the dream world, it occurred to me.  It hit me like a ton of bricks—which is a really odd figure of speech.  How unfortunate do you have to be to get hit with a ton of bricks?  Where do you need to be standing to have this happen?  They probably don’t come flying in from the left or right.  They most likely would have to fall from above your head.  My recommendation is to avoid placing yourself just below any apparatus that is holding a ton of bricks—regardless of how stable it looks.  Do not stand below any congregation of a ton of bricks—ever.

So yeah, it hit me.  Today isn’t Saturday, its Friday.  A ton of bricks, landing on my face!  I have to get up for work!  Crap, this is far worse than I originally imagined.  Oh electronics, you are way smarter than I give you credit for.

Hey wait a minute!  Did I really just shut off the alarm?  I should have pushed snooze!  Oh electronics, please magically reset your alarm.  I didn’t mean to shut you off.  I’m sorry I called you names.  You’re awesome electronics, really.  I’m way too groggy to fiddle with your buttons right now.

Now I have to get out of bed without taking my first-thing-in-the-morning-nine-minute-nap.  Now I have to pretend that I have the ability to snooze and wake up after nine minutes automatically—all by myself.  But I don’t have the skills!  This is horrible.

And then I found myself standing on my feet.  I have only the electronics to blame.  Idiot electronics.

Buy my silent book.  It’ll let you sleep in.

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14 responses to “Sleeping In

  1. Very funny. I mean not for you, but I chuckled. Can someone drop a tonne of bricks on my husband please, because he ALWAYS forgets to turn his THREE, yes, I said THREE alarm clocks off on the weekend. He has them staggered, so I get the joy of three heart attacks as they bleep and scream me awake. Maybe a tonne of bricks above the bed is a better option? I’d sure like to pull the rope that lets them fall on HIM. (Yes, I take this issue seriously.)

    • Considering that you are probably sleeping in close proximity to him, I would recommend cutting back on the amount of bricks–perhaps only 25 pounds or so. Or maybe just three bricks–one for each alarm.

  2. ha!! wrong day!! funny. and you’re right about the ton of bricks saying – i mean, what does that mean? the information knocked you unconscious?

  3. Great riff on the ton of bricks Marcus! And that first-thing-in-the-morning-nine-minute-nap, perfect! I didn’t laugh out loud because I’m one of those “funny people” who have perfected the dead pan delivery and therefore rarely get to experience true laughter very often myself (you really have to hit me from the left or right like a ton of bricks to catch me off guard) but I love your uncanny way of pointing out the obvious that we take so for granted. I’ll never forget the first time you made me laugh hysterically, at least that I recall.

    Car: bing, bing, bing the door is ajar.
    Marcus: And the window’s a spoon.
    Me: LOL, LOL, LOL, ROTCDLOL <–rolling out the car door LOL.

  4. Oh, we have all been there, but you said it so well, and with great humor. Very funny. Love your style!

  5. I bought your book. I slept in until noon yesterday.

  6. I hate when that happens. Nothing worse than thinking it’s the weekend only to realize that you have to go to work. That’s why being a teacher in the summer is so satisfying. I’m looking forward to not having to set my alarm for three months!

  7. This story frustrated me because I find some stupid way to sleep past my alarm at least four times a week, and it just made me angry with myself.

    However.

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who simultaneously forgets what day it is and who also can’t properly operate an alarm clock. So, thanks for that.

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