Monthly Archives: May 2013

Spam: A Good Idea–Click!

Why does e-mail spam continue?  Who is clicking on this crap thinking in their head, “Well now that is a bargain for me!” or “This will make my life easier!” or even “Yeah, I really do wish mine was bigger.”

The following is a rundown of only a small portion of the spam that is currently trapped in my spam folder.  It sits there patiently waiting for me to push the “select all” button followed by the “delete permanently” button.  I wish there was a “find the people who put me on this list and hang them from the ceiling fan by their toenails” button.  Which could be followed by the “and then turn it on high” button.

Subsidized Solar Power:  Apparently the government of the United States of America wants me to convert to solar power.  So much so that they are willing to subsidize the entire project—costing me absolutely nothing!  I think this explains the van with dark windows parked at my curb for the last couple of weeks.  Clearly I’m under surveillance.  I can sometimes actually hear them when I get home.  “The buzzard has landed, the juice is flowing, and the sun has not risen.”  I believe this is government spy talk:  I have arrived home, turned on my lights, and not yet installed my 100% absolutely free solar panel package.

Learn a New Language in 10 Days or Enhance Your Career with a Second Language:  In just ten days?  That is awesome.  I’m clicking it.  And in just ten days I should be appointed to the position CEO.  Can you imagine all of the La Benefitios that will be presented to El Meo?  I’m getting started right awayo.

Rich Prince Needs Your Help:  There is a certain rich prince out there in our big world who apparently is attempting to launder his money into my country.  His goal for the money is noble.  He wants to fund an orphanage where years earlier he sent his children to in order to protect them from the evils of his own country.  I can personally help him by providing him my checking account number so that he can deposit millions of dollars in my account.  I have been instructed to then write a check back to his charity and keep whatever amount I see fit to pay for the service I am providing.

I’m in!  And with the money I earn from my provided services I going to install solar panels on my neighbor’s houses too!  And then I’m going to learn his language in a very short period of time so that I can thank him in his native tongue.  Oh rich prince, thank goodness you haven’t hear of Western Union.  I’m here for you.

Meet Lonely Wives: There are apparently a zillion lonely housewives out there desperately seeking the companionship of me.  Yeah, that’s right, me!  You see, their husbands are off traveling the world of business in order to provide a decent income for their household.  Although this leaves these women reasonably comfortable in their lifestyles, it does very little to provide for their personal needs.  The spam e-mail explains that these lonely souls are extremely abundant across the country and with just a click of the mouse, I can be connected to hundreds of them right in my local area!  There is a real website dedicated to “hooking us up”.

How long has this loneliness been going on?  It’s a travesty; although, I think I can fix this!  I’m going to present this to my beautiful wife of almost seventeen years.  Clearly she will understand the plight of these women and together we will visit each and every one of them.  As a team, we will be there for them.  I can’t wait to connect with them over a nice lunch, and just simply be there for them, listen to their problems, perhaps watch their children for the day so they can relax.  I know some of them aren’t as comfortable in their money as they claim.  It’s so obvious to me because some of them couldn’t even afford shirts before they got their picture taken for the web site.  I’ll be sure to donate some clothing to them in order to save them the embarrassment before my wife and I meet them for lunch.

Christian Singles:  How do I get on these spam lists?  There is only so much time in the day.  But, after my wife and I tackle the growing problem of lonely wives, we will begin a journey to meet each one of these Christian singles.  Clearly they can learn a great deal from the experiences of our long-lasting wonderful marriage.

Hook up with my books.

Tom Petty Lyrics

I was listening to Tom Petty on the radio.  I was cruising down the highway heading home from a long day at work.  The song “I Won’t Back Down” fires up on the radio.  It brings back memories of a time long ago: my college years.  I was probably a freshman or a sophomore at Ohio University.  I don’t remember the exact year the song was released and I’m not going to Google it for you.  Man, are you lazy—wanting me to Google something for you.

For those of you who may not know this classic song, it’s an inspirational song sung in an upbeat tempo.  A song about standing your ground regardless of what the world throws at you.  The opening verse is made up of the following lyrics.

Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down
You could stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down

So I’m singing along with Tom using my voice at top volume.  I sing pretty awesome in my car, with the windows up, and when I’m alone.  You’d be impressed.  But then the voices in my head started thinking a bit too much about the lyrics.

That first line: “Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down

Ok Tom.  You’ve started off by really stressing your point.  Twice.  I get it.  Obviously it’s important to you.  You sir, are not about to back down.  But, do you really talk that way in real life?

“Tom, you want something to drink?”

“Well I’ll have a cup of coffee, yes I’ll have a cup of coffee.”

“Ya, alright Tom.  You seem to be repeating yourself.  Do you want one or two cups?  Because I’m a little confused.”

The next line is really odd when you think about it:  “You could stand me up at the gates of hell

Tom.  Tom.  Tom.  Do you always arrange meetings in such horrible places?

“Say Tom, where do you want to meet for coffee?”

“How about the gate of hell?  I know of this little shop near there.  The coffee is always piping hot.  You’re going to love it.”

“There is a very strong possibility of me standing you up.”

Seriously, why does Tom think that anyone would want to meet him at the gates of hell?  He hit the nail on the head when he was speculating that his friend may be standing him up.  Who’s going there willingly?  Maybe he could have changed it up a little bit.

“You can stand my up at the DMV.”

I guess that’s not really any different: the Department of Motor Vehicles and the Gates of Hell.  Yeah, same thing.

He continues, “But I won’t back down.”

So Tom, just to be clear.  You’re going to be hanging out at the gates of hell long after your friends have stood you up.  And yet, you’re not about to back down.  No sir.  You have stamina.  You will hang out at the gates of hell as long as it takes, desperately clinging to the hope that your friend will change his or her mind and meet you at the fiery gates.  You know, maybe this is one of those times where throwing in the towel isn’t such a bad thing.  Relax Tom.  Back down just a little bit.  Maybe you should walk back down a block or two and turn a corner—somewhere so the gates of hell aren’t in your direct line of sight.  I strongly suspect that more of your friends will reach out to you if you start hanging out in safer neighborhoods.

Fine.  Don’t back down.  Keep arranging your little meetings any way you see fit.

Buy my books, yes buy my books.