Spam: A Good Idea–Click!

Why does e-mail spam continue?  Who is clicking on this crap thinking in their head, “Well now that is a bargain for me!” or “This will make my life easier!” or even “Yeah, I really do wish mine was bigger.”

The following is a rundown of only a small portion of the spam that is currently trapped in my spam folder.  It sits there patiently waiting for me to push the “select all” button followed by the “delete permanently” button.  I wish there was a “find the people who put me on this list and hang them from the ceiling fan by their toenails” button.  Which could be followed by the “and then turn it on high” button.

Subsidized Solar Power:  Apparently the government of the United States of America wants me to convert to solar power.  So much so that they are willing to subsidize the entire project—costing me absolutely nothing!  I think this explains the van with dark windows parked at my curb for the last couple of weeks.  Clearly I’m under surveillance.  I can sometimes actually hear them when I get home.  “The buzzard has landed, the juice is flowing, and the sun has not risen.”  I believe this is government spy talk:  I have arrived home, turned on my lights, and not yet installed my 100% absolutely free solar panel package.

Learn a New Language in 10 Days or Enhance Your Career with a Second Language:  In just ten days?  That is awesome.  I’m clicking it.  And in just ten days I should be appointed to the position CEO.  Can you imagine all of the La Benefitios that will be presented to El Meo?  I’m getting started right awayo.

Rich Prince Needs Your Help:  There is a certain rich prince out there in our big world who apparently is attempting to launder his money into my country.  His goal for the money is noble.  He wants to fund an orphanage where years earlier he sent his children to in order to protect them from the evils of his own country.  I can personally help him by providing him my checking account number so that he can deposit millions of dollars in my account.  I have been instructed to then write a check back to his charity and keep whatever amount I see fit to pay for the service I am providing.

I’m in!  And with the money I earn from my provided services I going to install solar panels on my neighbor’s houses too!  And then I’m going to learn his language in a very short period of time so that I can thank him in his native tongue.  Oh rich prince, thank goodness you haven’t hear of Western Union.  I’m here for you.

Meet Lonely Wives: There are apparently a zillion lonely housewives out there desperately seeking the companionship of me.  Yeah, that’s right, me!  You see, their husbands are off traveling the world of business in order to provide a decent income for their household.  Although this leaves these women reasonably comfortable in their lifestyles, it does very little to provide for their personal needs.  The spam e-mail explains that these lonely souls are extremely abundant across the country and with just a click of the mouse, I can be connected to hundreds of them right in my local area!  There is a real website dedicated to “hooking us up”.

How long has this loneliness been going on?  It’s a travesty; although, I think I can fix this!  I’m going to present this to my beautiful wife of almost seventeen years.  Clearly she will understand the plight of these women and together we will visit each and every one of them.  As a team, we will be there for them.  I can’t wait to connect with them over a nice lunch, and just simply be there for them, listen to their problems, perhaps watch their children for the day so they can relax.  I know some of them aren’t as comfortable in their money as they claim.  It’s so obvious to me because some of them couldn’t even afford shirts before they got their picture taken for the web site.  I’ll be sure to donate some clothing to them in order to save them the embarrassment before my wife and I meet them for lunch.

Christian Singles:  How do I get on these spam lists?  There is only so much time in the day.  But, after my wife and I tackle the growing problem of lonely wives, we will begin a journey to meet each one of these Christian singles.  Clearly they can learn a great deal from the experiences of our long-lasting wonderful marriage.

Hook up with my books.

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8 responses to “Spam: A Good Idea–Click!

  1. Funny man. Spam emails, spam comments on WP… They’re all so ridiculous. Even more ridiculous is the fact that some losers still fall for the nigerian prince one…really? REALLY?!

  2. Real Housewives of the Internet. I wonder if Bravo is in development.

  3. Never thought about why it all continues…do you think that they are really making money on all of that?? Love this! thanks

  4. You are a brave man to read all of your spam. I tend to delete mine in chunks without looking at the subject lines. I have no idea what lists I’m on. Let me take a quick look in my spam folder. Wow! 575 since the last time I deleted, and almost all of them are invoices for big booty Ukrainian women. I guess I really should check with my husband to see if he’s been buying them.

    • Let’s clear this up. I dont actually read the spam body, just the Title, Sender, and google mail show you the first line. “Hey there! Do you remember me? I’ve been so lonely recently.” But thats all I get because I dont want her virus or her disease…

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