Monthly Archives: October 2013

Seasonal Monsters

Here comes Halloween!  My favorite holiday!

Every year I set up a haunted front yard.  And every year it gets more elaborate.  My boys participate with their scary masks and blood stained shirts.  We take pride in making the little ones scream.  I warn all the parents that bring their children into my yard, “if you enter, your child probably will have nightmares.”  Several years back, my boys were happy to tell everyone they saw the next day that “we made an adorable little Scooby Doo cry!”  Ah, good times, good memories.


My monsters in my haunted yard.

I got to thinking about some of the various monsters of Halloween.  You have your werewolves, demons, vampires, and mummies.  What makes these monsters scary?

Glad you asked.  You did ask that, right?

Werewolves:  They are basically overgrown dogs that will eat your flesh.  Sure, scary.

Demons:  Supernatural craziness.  They go through walls and from time to time they will put your body on pause and cause black smoke to come out of your wide open mouth.  It’s kind of a coalminer’s black lung thing without the years of mining.  (Maybe that was aliens, not demons.  Whatever.)

Black smoke is about to come out of my mouth and perhaps a nasty nose bleed.

Black smoke is about to come out of my mouth and perhaps a nasty nose bleed.

Vampires:  They suck your blood and turn you into one of their kind—which apparently leads to immortality.  That’s not really scary unless you get a really hungry vampire that drinks 100% of your blood.  Momma vampire barks out, “Listen here you little blood sucker.  You’re not leaving the table until you finish all the blood from your human!  There are vampires in this world that only get to suck blood from the necks of small animals—some of which don’t even have necks.  You should be grateful for your full human dinner!”

Mummies:  Seriously, what is scary about a mummy?  Even the way you spell the plural form of mummy makes it look cute with that “drop the Y and add I E S” thing.  “Ah, look at all the little mummies!  So adorable!”  So, mummies are long dead people wrapped up in several layers of toilet paper.  Yeah, not scary.  “Oh no!  Look out!  That mummy is wrapped in un-quilted single ply toilet paper!  Run for your life!”  He isn’t going to bite you without first choking on a wad of toilet paper.  I suppose that it might be scary if they all banded together, stormed your neighborhood, and toilet-papered every tree, top to bottom, on your street.  What a nightmare that would be!  Oh, worse if it was drizzling outside.

Buy my horror novel (wrap it in toilet paper)*
*must supply your own toilet paper