Monthly Archives: November 2013

Maturity for Sale

I like being witty, being that funny guy, and getting people to laugh.  I really enjoy making people smile.  My teenage children recently asked me if I will ever mature into an adult.  “Come on Dad, are you ever going to grow up?  Are you sure you’re even an adult?”  I took it is a complement, but I could be wrong.  They would be totally bummed out if my humor dried up just because I turned into a mature grown man.

The scenario was still on my mind as I was on my way home from work.  I have just under an hour drive to place of employment.  I was buzzing down the highway watching the exits fly; my mind contemplating deep thoughts about what needs to happen to become a mature responsible adult.  And that is when I saw it.

I saw the sign.

I saw what I needed to do.

There was hope for me.

There was a place for me to go to increase my maturity and hang on to my sense of humor at the same time.

Did you know that there is a business that sells items designed to increase your maturity level?  I didn’t.  I was amazed at what I had found.  I stumbled across this little place that I was completely confident that it would change my world.

The owners of this place weren’t being too creative when they selected their name for this extraordinarily helpful little road side shop.  They called their store simply “Adult”.

Yes, it was the perfect store for me and my new desire to become a grownup.  A place where I can purchase products that will increase my maturity.  I pulled my car up to the door.  Already I can feel an excitement in the pit of my stomach.  Is this what mature people feel all the time?  I have to be careful here.  If my goal is to enhance my maturity while maintaining my sense of humor, I must proceed with caution and not to buy too much “Adult” product at one time.

Well I threw the car into park and charged into the shop.  I was a little surprised at what I saw.  I meandered up and down the aisles checking out the items for sale that would help change me into a mature adult.  I really couldn’t understand how these products were going to help me become a more serious adult, but this was an “Adult” store.  So clearly, they know what they are doing here.  I kept an open mind and continue to browse.

So, you want me to put this in where?  I really don’t think that will help my goals.  Are you sure?

I didn’t try that approach.  Instead I looked into their self-help DVDs.

Their self-help DVDs really took a strange approach.  Sure, the people in these videos had an interesting grasp on “self help”, but the methodology just didn’t seem like a match for my objective.

I left the so-called “Adult” store without finding what I needed, disappointed, and confused.  I went in looking for a new level of maturity, a new sense of wisdom, and I exited the store with nothing that would help.

But you should see my new wardrobe.

Buy my mature books.

On Being Dental Floss

When I count my blessings, I never forget to note that I am not a piece of dental floss.  There are a tremendous amount of “things” in this world.  I could have been any of them.  Fortunately, I became a human—master of the floss.

Can you imagine being a piece of dental floss?

First, the most obvious point, is that it would be gross to live out your existence with the sole purpose of  removing un-swallowed bits of nearly completely chewed food from in-between the cramped quarters of a couple of teeth.  However, since that is the only purpose for your existence, maybe that’s what would bring you the most joy.  You would have an amazing sense of accomplishment as you pull off the “flick the food bit onto the bathroom mirror” move.  You would be praised by generations of dental flosses to come.  Songs would be written.  Stories would be exaggerated.

“Your great-great-grandfather once catapulted a piece of corn on the cob so far and so high onto the bathroom mirror, that the human being controlling the string of your floss ancestors had to get the bathroom stool to reach the once stuck food crud.”

So the other reason why I’m grateful that I am not dental floss is that there is little possibility of being the hero or of even being productive.  Only a very small percentage of pieces of dental floss actually get to journey in-between the teeth to do the job of food extraction.  The rest of the floss pieces either get wrapped around the human’s finger or stuck out in never-never land between the finger and the ever-so-lucky piece of dental floss that gets jammed into the tooth crack.

“I was so close!  I was right next to the floss piece that reached into the abyss and pulled the popcorn kernel out.  I saw everything from the front row.  I was right there.  It should have been me.  I could have been a contender.  Instead of a bum, which is what I am.”  Said a piece of floss named Marlon.

“Dude, relax.  At least you were there.  I was wrapped around a finger, crushed up against other loser pieces of floss that didn’t even stand a chance of contributing.  And besides, the ever-so-great food flicker ended up in the same trash can as the rest of us.”

Oh, and I’m thankful that I am not toilet paper too.

Buy my books (no strings attached).