On Being Dental Floss

When I count my blessings, I never forget to note that I am not a piece of dental floss.  There are a tremendous amount of “things” in this world.  I could have been any of them.  Fortunately, I became a human—master of the floss.

Can you imagine being a piece of dental floss?

First, the most obvious point, is that it would be gross to live out your existence with the sole purpose of  removing un-swallowed bits of nearly completely chewed food from in-between the cramped quarters of a couple of teeth.  However, since that is the only purpose for your existence, maybe that’s what would bring you the most joy.  You would have an amazing sense of accomplishment as you pull off the “flick the food bit onto the bathroom mirror” move.  You would be praised by generations of dental flosses to come.  Songs would be written.  Stories would be exaggerated.

“Your great-great-grandfather once catapulted a piece of corn on the cob so far and so high onto the bathroom mirror, that the human being controlling the string of your floss ancestors had to get the bathroom stool to reach the once stuck food crud.”

So the other reason why I’m grateful that I am not dental floss is that there is little possibility of being the hero or of even being productive.  Only a very small percentage of pieces of dental floss actually get to journey in-between the teeth to do the job of food extraction.  The rest of the floss pieces either get wrapped around the human’s finger or stuck out in never-never land between the finger and the ever-so-lucky piece of dental floss that gets jammed into the tooth crack.

“I was so close!  I was right next to the floss piece that reached into the abyss and pulled the popcorn kernel out.  I saw everything from the front row.  I was right there.  It should have been me.  I could have been a contender.  Instead of a bum, which is what I am.”  Said a piece of floss named Marlon.

“Dude, relax.  At least you were there.  I was wrapped around a finger, crushed up against other loser pieces of floss that didn’t even stand a chance of contributing.  And besides, the ever-so-great food flicker ended up in the same trash can as the rest of us.”

Oh, and I’m thankful that I am not toilet paper too.

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26 responses to “On Being Dental Floss

  1. “…your floss ancestors had to get the bathroom stool to reach the once stuck food crud.” uh-hem! Which “bathroom STOOL” are you referring to…? You are just too fun.

  2. Amen, brother… amen.

  3. I wonder if there’s a dental floss museum.

  4. hmm, i’m now a little worried if the list of things your thankful for is down to… i’m not dental floss.

  5. Considering how many years to one’s life flossing can add, it might be an honorable thing to be after all. (And thank you for engaging me in a conversation I never thought I’d have…)

  6. Oh Gak. I get nauseous when someone coughs. Uk. All that flem. So, am pleased I made it through this tongue in cheek or floss in teeth funny post! Thanks for dropping by too!

  7. Thanks a lot – I’m now questioning if it isn’t some form of floss abuse to not use the whole strand! At least my great-great-grandfather didn’t set such high standards!

    Great blog thanks 🙂

  8. Thanks for some fresh ideas to use when I play “would you rather be . . .” with my kids. 🙂

  9. Stop trying to stir up trouble within the floss community. Everyone knows that floss functions as a single unit including the entire length of floss pulled from the container. The glory of one piece is the glory of the entire strand. I know this goes against your philosophy of seeking personal glory whenever possible, but it’s just the way it is.

  10. It was Can’t Catch Me’s reply I was referring to!! You FUNNYBLOGGERGUYFELLA — yours be good, too:)

  11. OMG thank you so much for pointing this out. I too am so happy I’m not a piece of dental floss! I don’t even want to think about being an item forced to sit next to a toilet all day… let alone…

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