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Biblical Voices

Genesis Voices 1

In the beginning due to an extreme boredom resulting from existing since forever, God decided to create the heavens and the earth.  Now the earth was formless and empty and yet had a pleasant smell similar to a chocolate fountain, except that He hadn’t created chocolate yet.  Darkness was over the surface of the deep (as well as the bottom too—I mean, hey, it was way down there).  The Spirit of God was hovering over the waters thinking about His big plan, waterskiing, and Spring Break.

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.  But first, he shaded His eyes to avoid that brain burning sensation that you can get when walking outdoors from the inside of a dark building.  God saw that the light was good, and He tirelessly separated the light from the darkness—energy waves in one pile, and lack of energy waves in a second pile.  God called the light “day,” the darkness he called “night”, and the mixture of the two “shade.”  And there was evening, and there was morning, and there was five o’clock quitting time—the first day.

And God said, “Let there be a vault between the waters to separate water from water.”   And then he thought, “Why am I talking to myself?  Odd.”  So God made the vault and separated the water under the vault from the water above it—which was exactly what He said He would do out loud just moments ago.  And it was so.  God called the vault “sky”, cleverly avoiding that pesky little word “the”.  Not “the sky” but simply just “sky.”  And there was evening, and there was morning, and there was quarter to five quitting time (no one was watching)—the second day.

And God said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.  Huh, talking to Myself again.”  And it was so.  After putting away His shop-vac, God called the dry ground “land,” and the gathered waters He called “seas” and the smaller ones “puddles.”  And God saw that it was good.  He would have seen that it was great, but some of the land had cracks.  He let the waters fill these cracks and He called them “rivers”.  “That’s better than good and only slightly below great,” said God to Himself once again.

Then God quietly said as He began to think that talking to Himself might be frowned upon by those who read this story thousands of years from now, “Let the land produce vegetation: apple trees, dandelions, kiwi plants, and maybe a banana or two.  And let there be vegetables as well.  And make the vegetables less tasty but more healthy.”  And it was so.  The land produced vegetation and soon thereafter God realized that weeding the entire earth was back breaking difficult work.  But when the gardens began to flourish, God saw that it was good.  All good, except for the amazing amount of dirt under His fingernails—the third day.

And God said (completely resigned to talking aloud to himself), “The lighting around here is terrible.  Let there be lights in the sky so that I can actually see what I am doing here.  And hey, let them blink off and on repeatedly so that there will be day and night.”  And it was so.  And for too long of a time, God was playing around with the strobe light effect that He created.  Far later, after the initial amusement faded, He slowed the strobe light down to one blink every twenty-four hours.

He also made the stars.  He did this using a cheap dart board set that He picked up at a garage sale.  He probably should have put a large piece of wood or a spare sheet of dry wall behind the dart board to protect the sky.  “Well at least these holes of light make the night sky beautiful to gaze at.  Maybe darts are not My thing.”  And God decided that His lack of dart skills was just fine (not good or great, just fine).  And there was evening, and there was a late night snack, and there was morning—the fourth day.

And God shouted (completely giving into His curious habit of talking to Himself), “I want an aquarium!  Put fish in the water and a cute little treasure chest that will open and close with bubbles.”  And God saw that it was way cool.  “Let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky, but not above My car.  Never above My car.”  So God created all sorts of sea creatures and every winged bird according to its kind.  He even made some birds with wings that could not fly because He thought that was funny.  And God saw that it was good until some of the birds started get too close to His car.  He then decided that this was just a hint shy of good.  God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and let birds increase on the earth.  And I will make a garage for my car.”  And there was evening, and a flat screen television in His garage, and there was morning—the fifth day.

And God said aloud and to Himself with a new found sense of confidence, “Talking to Myself is not a bad thing.  Let the land produce living creatures like chickens, cows and a seven hundred pound dog.  Let these creatures move along the ground.”  And it was so.  That is, it was so, until He stepped in a seventeen pound pile of dog droppings.  “On second thought, make the typical dog average about fifty pounds in total weight,” said God while scraping at His sandals.  And God saw that it was wasn’t exactly good, but He ran with it anyway.

Then God said, “Let there be mankind so that I can talk aloud and not feel odd about talking to Myself anymore.  Make mankind so they can rule over the fish and the birds, over the livestock and other wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.  Including spiders.  Even the really big hairy looking ones.”

So God created mankind in his own image, because He didn’t want to be the only one with back-hair, a bald spot, and the occasional outbreak of acne.  God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number.  Rule over the fish, birds, chickens, and even that nasty looking centipede over there.”

Then God said for the first time with someone actually present to hear Him, “I give you all the plants on the face of the whole earth.  They will be yours for food.  Try not to choke on the cantaloupe.  First, cut them into small pieces.  And to all the beasts of the earth, I give every green plant for food.  I was going to go with blue plants, but it just looked weird.”  And it was so.  Food was green, food was not blue.

God saw all that he had made, and it was good.  In fact, very good.  And there was evening, morning, evening, morning, evening, morning, evening, morning because He started playing with the strobe light again.  And then He stopped and called it the end of the sixth day.

Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.

Genesis Voices 2

By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing.  Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.  Seriously, He was exhausted.  Creating every single thing ever is tiring.  And then He remembered that He created the couch and the blanket.  And then He invented snoring.

Ok I’m done for now.  I’ll stop here.

So how offended are you?  My hope is not at all.  God’s presence in my life is growing everyday and He continues to put odd voices in my head.  My desire here was only to make you smile and to think about God for a moment in time when perhaps you weren’t planning to.  And if you have never read the Bible before, maybe you should crack it open and find out what voices you hear.

Shall I continue with more of the story?

Is it wrong to plug my books here?  Probably.

Ipad App Updates

My ipad is packed full of very important apps that I use daily to increase my productivity.  Yeah, there is an app for that.  For instance, there is the calendar app.  I have it sync’ed up with my Google calendar and now I never miss an appointment.  Except when I do.

And then there are the ever-so important mind strengthening games:  Temple Run, Cut the Rope, Where’s My Water, Bloons, etc.  If you don’t know what these games are, do not go looking for them.  I said, “NOT”.  Watch your step here.  If you find these games, your life will be ruined for the next three weeks—perhaps longer.  Friends and family will fall to the wayside.  You’ll be all too consumed with  those crazy little monkeys popping that one last balloon as if your life depended upon it.  “Yeah, son, that school project that you asked me to help with that’s due tomorrow… I’ll help you out first thing next Tuesday. ”

I guess the best app on my ipad is the online Bible that I downloaded.  That’s right, I have the Bible on my ipad just the way God intended his word to be read: scrolling with one finger, adjusting the font size on the fly, changing the screen brightness to benefit your eyes.  Yes God, you’ve come a long way since etching these good words on stone tablets.

So imagine my surprise as I was checking for “app updates”.

Hey, are you actually imagining it?  Or are you just reading lazy?  Come on, play along now.  You have to “bring it” when reading my blog.

The room was dark and the burning glow of the ipad screen shined upward on Marcus’s face.  In this dimly lit room, the shadows on his face twisted his facial expressions into an unnatural state.  He appeared haunted, somewhat crazed, as he worked the touch screen with an experts command.

No wait.  Image this instead.

The room was dark.   Only light from his ipad and fireplace shined across Marcus’s body.  He was lying on the floor in front of the warm fire, propped up on one elbow.  His torso was twisted to the right which allowed the light from the fireplace to highlight the hills and valleys of his six-pack abs.  

Whoa.  That was creepier than I thought.  You don’t have to “bring it” anymore.

So anyway… I was simply looking for ipad updates for possible fresh releases of new levels to all my awesome time-wasting games when I saw the following.

“Bible – update available”

What is this?  A Bible update!  God is updating the Bible and he is sending me the next installment!  How crazy awesome it that?  Thanks God.

With my mind jumping and my heart thumping I pushed the “update now” button.  I wondered what more God has to say.  Will this next book continue where the last one left off?  Is this a Hollywood style prequel explaining the time before the “In the beginning”?  Or better yet, what I was really hoping for:  Jesus, the Teenage Years.

Of course, as it turns out, the application itself needed the update and not the actual story and words.  Still, I was a little disappointed.  I would have liked to read about Jesus in high school and how he served and saved the children enslaved in after-school detention.

Buy my not quite divine book.