Tag Archives: corn on the cob

On Being Dental Floss

When I count my blessings, I never forget to note that I am not a piece of dental floss.  There are a tremendous amount of “things” in this world.  I could have been any of them.  Fortunately, I became a human—master of the floss.

Can you imagine being a piece of dental floss?

First, the most obvious point, is that it would be gross to live out your existence with the sole purpose of  removing un-swallowed bits of nearly completely chewed food from in-between the cramped quarters of a couple of teeth.  However, since that is the only purpose for your existence, maybe that’s what would bring you the most joy.  You would have an amazing sense of accomplishment as you pull off the “flick the food bit onto the bathroom mirror” move.  You would be praised by generations of dental flosses to come.  Songs would be written.  Stories would be exaggerated.

“Your great-great-grandfather once catapulted a piece of corn on the cob so far and so high onto the bathroom mirror, that the human being controlling the string of your floss ancestors had to get the bathroom stool to reach the once stuck food crud.”

So the other reason why I’m grateful that I am not dental floss is that there is little possibility of being the hero or of even being productive.  Only a very small percentage of pieces of dental floss actually get to journey in-between the teeth to do the job of food extraction.  The rest of the floss pieces either get wrapped around the human’s finger or stuck out in never-never land between the finger and the ever-so-lucky piece of dental floss that gets jammed into the tooth crack.

“I was so close!  I was right next to the floss piece that reached into the abyss and pulled the popcorn kernel out.  I saw everything from the front row.  I was right there.  It should have been me.  I could have been a contender.  Instead of a bum, which is what I am.”  Said a piece of floss named Marlon.

“Dude, relax.  At least you were there.  I was wrapped around a finger, crushed up against other loser pieces of floss that didn’t even stand a chance of contributing.  And besides, the ever-so-great food flicker ended up in the same trash can as the rest of us.”

Oh, and I’m thankful that I am not toilet paper too.

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