Tag Archives: entertainment

Jim the Bacon Man

In keeping with the spirit of this Era of Re-runs, here is a post that was first put up on 7-3-2012, even though I would rank it near the bottom of my amusing posts.

Everyone carries around a list of their ranked blog post based on level of amusement, right?

I bought my tickets to see Jim Gaffigan at the Taft theater in Cincinnati.  His shows are coming up in August.  I’m really looking forward to it.  I bought four tickets, but haven’t actually decided what to do with the third and fourth ticket.  Clearly, the first two are for my wife and I.  Jim’s comedy is not anywhere close to over-the-top with respect to adult material.  But do I bring my kids?  They have seen and heard many of Jim’s shows on television in the past.  Or do I invite a couple of friends?  I don’t know how to make this decision.  My boys already know that I have the tickets.

My wife has suggested that I check the Taft theater web site in order to determine if there is a minimum age requirement.  There sure is–with respect to visiting the bar.  Clearly 21 is the age required.  But the site is not very clear about taking a position on age pertaining to anything else.


I’m a tall guy. I hope you weren’t behind me.

However, there are many other rules written out to clarify many different scenarios and restricted items.  There are typical things like video recording devices or audio recorders that make the “do not bring” list.  This makes sense for some performers that are trying to make additional money on CD/DVD sales and want to limit the boot-legging.   So let me share a few odd ones with you that landed in the “restricted items” list.

“Cameras with long or detachable lenses (cameras small enough to fit in a man’s shirt pocket are allowed)”

This just begs for me to create a pocket the full size of my torso and load it up with the basic inventory of a camera shop.

“Aerosol Spray Cans”

But what if my hair starts to droop in the middle of the performance?


This seems obvious to me, but it helps me finalize the decision to leave my bazooka at home.

“Tools (wrenches, pliers, etc.)”

That is exactly how it is written out on the theater’s website.  What did someone do to make the theater management spell out the examples?  Does “etcetera” cover pipe-wrenches?  Cause I have a fear of dropping my ring into a sink drain, and I usually carry a pipe-wrench to dismantle the plumbing when I do that.


So when I told my inflatable woman that I couldn’t bring her to the show, she had this odd surprised look on her face.  Oh wait a minute, she always has that look.

And at the end of the list: “Any other item deemed unacceptable by Taft Theatre management.  Subject to change at the discretion of Taft Theatre or Tour management at any time.”

So they reserve the right to just look at you and say, “Hey buddy, you have to leave right now because we just added ‘brown hair’ to the list.  Totally unacceptable.  Have a nice night.”

Following the list of restricted items comes the list of behavioral reasons that will get thrown out.  Typical list leaders include intoxication, disruptive behavior, and the use of profanity (not including most of the stand-up comedians).

“Unacceptable or indecent dress”

So I have to wear my pants to the show?  Really?  Jim wouldn’t if he had the option.

“Participating in a fight”

I’ll need a bit of clarity on this one.  Is watching the fight considered ‘participating’?   I’ll need to know how to handle this in advance.  If a fight breaks out, do I need to close my  eyes?  That just seems dangerous to me.

“Entering or attempting to enter the restrooms of the opposite sex”

I’ve been down this road a few times in my life.  Each by accident–honestly.  Someone remind me to write the story of my college days incident of this mistake.  A mistake!  Not on purpose.

“Breaking the law”

This will get you ejected out to the streets where law breaking belongs–not in the theater.

“Any action that, in the opinion of the Taft Theatre management, places other guests in danger or reduces their enjoyment of the event”

There they go again.  “Hey you.  You’re blinking funny and people are starting to complain.  You’re out of here!”

I can’t wait for the show!  Especially now that I am fully aware of the rules.  Oh, and I just realized that the Taft ‘Theater’ is actually the Taft ‘Theatre’ (R before E).  I wonder if I’ll get thrown out for that gross oversight on my behalf.

Buy my book! (or wait for the play)

Fishnet Stockings!


(my wife’s foot)

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

Hollywood Phone Calls

Why doesn’t anyone in Hollywood understand how to properly use a phone?

This observation may not sink in with you immediately, but the next time you get to see a Hollywood phone conversation on your favorite show you’ll agree with exactly what I’m about to describe here.

Actors in the movies and on television hang up on the person they are speaking to without ever ending the conversation like a typical person would in the real world.  Pay attention next time you see a Hollywood phone call in progress and you’ll understand exactly what I’m talking about.

Jack says into his phone, “I need the schematics made available immediately.”  The person on the other end of the phone says, “Alright.  I’ll get right on that.”  Click!  And he hangs up!

You wouldn’t do that in the real world.  No one said goodbye.  In the real world there would be at least an additional question or a concluding statement.

“Anything else?”

Jack says, “No.”

“Ok then.  I’ll talk to you later.”

Jack should then conclude with an “Ok. Bye.”  And then the hang up would occur.

What if Jack was about to add to the conversation, “and there is a bomb in your building.”  The guy on the other end of the phone would have had no clue.  He probably deserves to get blown up for exercising poor phone protocol.

I’ve seen basically the exact same conversation played out with Jack being the one who hangs up on the person he called too.

Jack says into his phone, “I need the schematics made available immediately.”  The person on the other end of the phone says, “Alright.  I’ll get right on that.”  Click!  And then Jack hangs up on him!

In this scenario, I always feel bad for the guy who has no chance to ask a follow-on question that he may have.

“Jack, I need to know what floor of the building you need the schematics for.  Hello?  Hello?”  And then he thinks to himself, “That stupid loser just hung up on me!  I don’t remember saying goodbye.  Screw him and his schematics.  Let him find the bomb all by himself.  I’m going to lunch.”


And then there are the more romantic Hollywood phone calls.  Same thing happens here too.  No one in the real world ever hangs up on someone they care for after someone says something like “I miss you” or “I can’t wait to see you again”.

Try this on your significant other.  After they say “I miss you”, you say “I miss you too” and then just hang the phone up.  I guarantee you’ll be getting a call back in ten seconds or less.

“Why did you just hang up on me?”

“I thought we were done talking.”

“Maybe I don’t miss you so much now.”


Buy my book.  Alright?  I’m still on the line waiting for a response.