Tag Archives: jim gaffigan

Jim the Bacon Man

In keeping with the spirit of this Era of Re-runs, here is a post that was first put up on 7-3-2012, even though I would rank it near the bottom of my amusing posts.

Everyone carries around a list of their ranked blog post based on level of amusement, right?

I bought my tickets to see Jim Gaffigan at the Taft theater in Cincinnati.  His shows are coming up in August.  I’m really looking forward to it.  I bought four tickets, but haven’t actually decided what to do with the third and fourth ticket.  Clearly, the first two are for my wife and I.  Jim’s comedy is not anywhere close to over-the-top with respect to adult material.  But do I bring my kids?  They have seen and heard many of Jim’s shows on television in the past.  Or do I invite a couple of friends?  I don’t know how to make this decision.  My boys already know that I have the tickets.

My wife has suggested that I check the Taft theater web site in order to determine if there is a minimum age requirement.  There sure is–with respect to visiting the bar.  Clearly 21 is the age required.  But the site is not very clear about taking a position on age pertaining to anything else.

taft

I’m a tall guy. I hope you weren’t behind me.

However, there are many other rules written out to clarify many different scenarios and restricted items.  There are typical things like video recording devices or audio recorders that make the “do not bring” list.  This makes sense for some performers that are trying to make additional money on CD/DVD sales and want to limit the boot-legging.   So let me share a few odd ones with you that landed in the “restricted items” list.

“Cameras with long or detachable lenses (cameras small enough to fit in a man’s shirt pocket are allowed)”

This just begs for me to create a pocket the full size of my torso and load it up with the basic inventory of a camera shop.

“Aerosol Spray Cans”

But what if my hair starts to droop in the middle of the performance?

“Weapons”

This seems obvious to me, but it helps me finalize the decision to leave my bazooka at home.

“Tools (wrenches, pliers, etc.)”

That is exactly how it is written out on the theater’s website.  What did someone do to make the theater management spell out the examples?  Does “etcetera” cover pipe-wrenches?  Cause I have a fear of dropping my ring into a sink drain, and I usually carry a pipe-wrench to dismantle the plumbing when I do that.

“Inflatables”

So when I told my inflatable woman that I couldn’t bring her to the show, she had this odd surprised look on her face.  Oh wait a minute, she always has that look.

And at the end of the list: “Any other item deemed unacceptable by Taft Theatre management.  Subject to change at the discretion of Taft Theatre or Tour management at any time.”

So they reserve the right to just look at you and say, “Hey buddy, you have to leave right now because we just added ‘brown hair’ to the list.  Totally unacceptable.  Have a nice night.”

Following the list of restricted items comes the list of behavioral reasons that will get thrown out.  Typical list leaders include intoxication, disruptive behavior, and the use of profanity (not including most of the stand-up comedians).

“Unacceptable or indecent dress”

So I have to wear my pants to the show?  Really?  Jim wouldn’t if he had the option.

“Participating in a fight”

I’ll need a bit of clarity on this one.  Is watching the fight considered ‘participating’?   I’ll need to know how to handle this in advance.  If a fight breaks out, do I need to close my  eyes?  That just seems dangerous to me.

“Entering or attempting to enter the restrooms of the opposite sex”

I’ve been down this road a few times in my life.  Each by accident–honestly.  Someone remind me to write the story of my college days incident of this mistake.  A mistake!  Not on purpose.

“Breaking the law”

This will get you ejected out to the streets where law breaking belongs–not in the theater.

“Any action that, in the opinion of the Taft Theatre management, places other guests in danger or reduces their enjoyment of the event”

There they go again.  “Hey you.  You’re blinking funny and people are starting to complain.  You’re out of here!”

I can’t wait for the show!  Especially now that I am fully aware of the rules.  Oh, and I just realized that the Taft ‘Theater’ is actually the Taft ‘Theatre’ (R before E).  I wonder if I’ll get thrown out for that gross oversight on my behalf.

Buy my book! (or wait for the play)

Status Updates

I decided to write this blog for one reason: the joy of writing and entertaining readers. Isn’t that two reasons? It is. And it’s a total bold face lie too. The fact is, I needed another avenue for book sales. You see, I wrote a book. I did it on a whim and then decided that I had to publish it to complete the hobby. So I did. I’m actually proud of my effort. Is there any chance that you didn’t know that I was trying to sell a book? If you didn’t notice the links on this blog, I would have to categorize you the most focused person in the world. He is your game plan: “I’m clicking into this guy’s blog and I’m reading the latest entry. Nothing more. I will not have my eyes stray from the words of his story. Stay focused. I will not be tempted by those pesky links off to the side. I will read the latest story and upon completion, immediately close my browser.”

The title of my book is “My Status Update Journey: A Quirky In-Depth Analysis of the World from the Voices in My Head”. My book is written a lot like my blog stories and entries. Well, not this one. It would be kind of weird to try to market your book inside your book. My book tells the story of my Facebook statuses over a three year time period. Only it’s more than that. There are a zillion books out there stuffed full of one-liner status updates. My book is not that. The book details my train of thought at the time, my actions leading up to the status updates, the flashbacks to the stories of my world long ago. Book reviewers (people honestly not related to me) tell me that the book is a good one, a five star read, and all that. So why hasn’t it sold a million copies? Simple. Marketing is not easy. It stinks.

It's a book cover picture.  Judge it!

Recently, I called a neighborhood book shop and asked if they do book signings for local authors. She said that they did host them in the past, but not anymore. Then she asked me what my book was about. I was glad that the conversation played out in that order. If she asked me about my book first, and then came up with the excuse on why she wouldn’t host me in their shop, I would have felt much worse. The conversation didn’t go too much farther. She explained that the hassle of setting up flyers and posters and floor space did not drive enough customers into the store to make it worth their trouble.

“Your trouble? Um, I don’t care what-so-ever about your ‘trouble’. All I care about is me and my book sales. Glorious me! Me! Me! Me!” And the call ended. That’s not really the exact way it played out, but that is how I could have handled it since the outcome would have been the exact same.

Friends and acquaintances have told me to simply host my own book signing in my own home. I can’t seem to do it. It feels awkward. How do you invite your friends and family to come over for the purpose of selling them your book?

“Say, I’m having a get-together next weekend. Swing by! Oh, and don’t forget your wallet.” Or how about this? “You are cordially invited to attend a book signing in my home. During this event, not only can you feed my ego, but you can give me cash too.”

What I really need is a famous person. If I had my very own famous person, my book sales would shoot through the roof! And I would treat my very own famous person very nicely. I promise. All I need is a tweet seen by someone with a gazillion followers. People would race to purchase and read my book because Ernest Borgnine, Elizabeth Taylor, or Amy Winehouse said they enjoyed the book.

What? Hold on a second… My proofreader just informed me that I need to update my list of famous people.

Ok, how about Bob & Tom, George Clooney, or Jim Gaffigan? If they simply hinted at enjoying the contents of the book, amazon.com would have trouble keeping copies on the shelf. Except that, amazon.com doesn’t really have a shelf. But the virtual shelf would begin to virtually collapse. And I would be virtually pleased! By this point in reading this particular blog entry, you must be thinking, “How can help?” So here is a short list of different things you can do to help me.

Go amazon.com and search for “Marcus Matherne” or use this address

http://amzn.com/1432789198

and actually buy the book. Clearly that would help the book sales by at least one. You can buy more than one if you wish. I tried to make my amazon.com book and author pages amusing as well, so take the time a read the details found there. You’ll smile about it, whether you like it or not.

There is a “Click to look inside the book” where you can read the first chunk of pages. Post a review of the book on the amazon.com book page, even after reading just the sample. I won’t actually tell anyone that you did not read the entire book. I don’t think the amazon.com police will come knocking at your door. And even if they do, I think it’s just a misdemeanor and easy to get removed from your record.

Share this blog out to your Facebook and twitter accounts. How about your pinterest page? Assuming you’re female. Do any men out there have a pinterest page? I think there is ban against it. I need your help in making this visible! Be my little spammers. Nice spammers. Let’s go viral baby!

And finally, would someone get me a famous person, please?

PS- Stay tuned.  More stories are forthcoming with no desparate pleas to purchase my book.

buy my book!

Starting now.