I am a time traveler.
As with all awesome super-human powers, time traveling has rules. First, I’m not supposed to talk about it. This rule however was conceived before the invention of my blog. So I think you can understand why I have decided to side step this rule. Secondly, I don’t actually have the ability to pick and choose where and when I will appear in time. If that were the case I would have gone all “back-to-future” on you and picked myself up a sports almanac from the future. No, I can’t jump forward or backward through time, but rather I was born with the ability to change the rate at which I travel through time.
A long time ago back in the early 1970’s, I witnessed a bunch of people traveling through time at the rate of one second per second and I thought to myself, “Sure. That looks like the right pace for my existence. I think I will travel at that rate too.” My days would last 86,400 seconds each and they would actually feel like exactly 86,400 seconds.
Somewhere around the age of five I discovered how to manipulate the rate of time. As I got a bit older, sometimes I would mess with the knobs and dials that control the rate at which I traveled time. There was a period of my life where I slowed my progression through time down to a rate that made the summers seem to last forever. I don’t remember the exact settings, but I think I was traveling somewhere near the one-quarter second per second rate. It’s really difficult to maintain that rate these days, but when I was a kid I was a very talented time traveler.
Something happened since I had children. I can’t seem to keep control of my time traveling anymore. Somewhere about seven years ago I messed up the control panel so badly and I can’t seem to get it adjusted properly anymore. I started traveling through time at a rate that is simply too fast. My months go by so quickly that sometimes I lose track. Didn’t we just celebrate New Year’s Day? I can’t even remember traveling though the spring season at all. I’m so out of control, that I’m about to blink and it will be Christmas time.
I am desperately trying to regain control of my time traveling rate, but I fear that I will be increasing the rate at which I am progressing through time even more as I get older. I’ve spoken to other time travelers. As they age, they too have been faced with a broken system that causes this increased rate of travel.
I do however have a working theory—a plan to remedy my broken time traveling ability. If, as a child, I was able to slow time down, I think there is the possibility of slowing time down so much so that it will actually go negative. I think this can in fact be achieved. I’m looking into it. Until I complete the work needed to flush out this theory and put it into practice, I’m also taking the time to memorize all of the final scores of every major sporting event over the last twenty years. I am hoping that it will come in handy soon. Soon (as in last decade).