Tag Archives: rules

Time Marches On

I am a time traveler.

As with all awesome super-human powers, time traveling has rules.  First, I’m not supposed to talk about it.  This rule however was conceived before the invention of my blog.  So I think you can understand why I have decided to side step this rule.  Secondly, I don’t actually have the ability to pick and choose where and when I will appear in time.  If that were the case I would have gone all “back-to-future” on you and picked myself up a sports almanac from the future.  No, I can’t jump forward or backward through time, but rather I was born with the ability to change the rate at which I travel through time.

A long time ago back in the early 1970’s, I witnessed a bunch of people traveling through time at the rate of one second per second and I thought to myself, “Sure.  That looks like the right pace for my existence.  I think I will travel at that rate too.”  My days would last 86,400 seconds each and they would actually feel like exactly 86,400 seconds.

Somewhere around the age of five I discovered how to manipulate the rate of time.  As I got a bit older, sometimes I would mess with the knobs and dials that control the rate at which I traveled time.  There was a period of my life where I slowed my progression through time down to a rate that made the summers seem to last forever.  I don’t remember the exact settings, but I think I was traveling somewhere near the one-quarter second per second rate.  It’s really difficult to maintain that rate these days, but when I was a kid I was a very talented time traveler.

Something happened since I had children.  I can’t seem to keep control of my time traveling anymore.  Somewhere about seven years ago I messed up the control panel so badly and I can’t seem to get it adjusted properly anymore.  I started traveling through time at a rate that is simply too fast.  My months go by so quickly that sometimes I lose track.  Didn’t we just celebrate New Year’s Day?  I can’t even remember traveling though the spring season at all.  I’m so out of control, that I’m about to blink and it will be Christmas time.

I am desperately trying to regain control of my time traveling rate, but I fear that I will be increasing the rate at which I am progressing through time even more as I get older.  I’ve spoken to other time travelers.  As they age, they too have been faced with a broken system that causes this increased rate of travel.

I do however have a working theory—a plan to remedy my broken time traveling ability.  If, as a child, I was able to slow time down, I think there is the possibility of slowing time down so much so that it will actually go negative.  I think this can in fact be achieved.  I’m looking into it.  Until I complete the work needed to flush out this theory and put it into practice, I’m also taking the time to memorize all of the final scores of every major sporting event over the last twenty years.  I am hoping that it will come in handy soon.  Soon (as in last decade).

Buy my books yesterday.

Blog Awards

I am completely flattered and amused when other bloggers “nominate” my blog for an “award” each and every time it happens.  I’m truly pleased that these people are enjoying my blog.  Does everyone understand that?  I really do appreciate you reading and enjoying my writings.  Really!

However, when I looked into the “award” I quickly came to realize that it is just a fun thing to do for other bloggers.  In doing so, both the nominated blog and the nominating blogger’s blog will get a little bit more publicity if the rules of the award are adhered to.  I get it.  We all want more people to visit our blogs.  I find myself looking at the traffic number of my blog often.  Too often, in fact.

The following is an example of the typical rules of the blog awards (The Versatile Blogger, One Lovely Blog Award, The Sunshine Award, etc).

1. Add the award to your blog.
2. Thank the blogger who gave it to you and include a link to their blog.
3. Mention 7 random things about yourself.
4. List the rules.
5. Nominate 15 other bloggers and let them know about the award.

Let’s discuss, shall we?

1. The award itself is a picture—a happy little picture with the award name displayed in an easily readable fashion.  Cute.  I’ve seen them on many other blogs that I enjoy.

2.  The requirement to thank the nominating person should not need to be stated as a rule.  I always punch in a thank-you response to the comment from the nominating person’s message.  I do so, because I am touched by their action.  If you need to be told to say thank-you, it probably isn’t coming from your heart.  “Now son, tell your Great Grandmother thank you for the nickel.”  “Oh yeah, thanks.”

3.  I should then mention seven random things about myself.  My blog is about myself.  My stories are usually about things and situations that I have encountered.  If you have read some of my entries, you already know “things” about me.

4.  List the rules.  Ok.  See above.  Done.

5.  Nominate 15 other bloggers.  Really?  Wow, that’s a lot.  Suddenly, I feel that this award that I have been nominated for just might be a little watered down.  Again, I’m still flattered, but how many other awards have this kind of requirement attached to them.  “And the Oscar goes to {fill in your name} as long as he gives away 15 Oscars to other people.”

I understand that this is just supposed to be fun.  I even have that “I’m a party pooper” feeling as I’m typing this.  It’s just that I don’t think we actually are creating an award, but rather Blog Spam.  Maybe I can coin a new term: Blam.  Hey, maybe I can start a new award called “The Blam Award”.

1. Add the Blam Award picture to your blog.  Make sure you use the full 25 megabyte gif picture.
2. You should have already thanked the nominating person.  If you didn’t, you suck.
3. Talk about stuff on your blog like you already have been doing.
4. List the rules.  Make up as many extra rules as you feel.
5. Nominate 1035 other blogs and Blam their “about” page with this info.

Ok, I’m done being an ungrateful punk.

Thanks for nominating me again!

Buy my book or I’ll Blam your blog!

Taft Theatre Rules

I bought my tickets to see Jim Gaffigan at the Taft theater in Cincinnati.  His shows are coming up in August.  I’m really looking forward to it.  I bought four tickets, but haven’t actually decided what to do with the third and fourth ticket.  Clearly, the first two are for my wife and I.  Jim’s comedy is not anywhere close to over-the-top with respect to adult material.  But do I bring my kids?  They have seen and heard many of Jim’s shows on television in the past.  Or do I invite a couple of friends?  I don’t know how to make this decision.  My boys already know that I have the tickets.

My wife has suggested that I check the Taft theater web site in order to determine if there is a minimum age requirement.  There sure is–with respect to visiting the bar.  Clearly 21 is the age required.  But the site is not very clear about taking a position on age pertaining to anything else.

However, there are many other rules written out to clarify many different scenarios and restricted items.  There are typical things like video recording devices or audio recorders that make the “do not bring” list.  This makes sense for some performers that are trying to make additional money on CD/DVD sales and want to limit the boot-legging.   So let me share a few odd ones with you that landed in the “restricted items” list.

“Cameras with long or detachable lenses (cameras small enough to fit in a man’s shirt pocket are allowed)”

This just begs for me to create a pocket the full size of my torso and load it up with the basic inventory of a camera shop.

“Aerosol Spray Cans”

But what if my hair starts to droop in the middle of the performance?


This seems obvious to me, but it helps me finalize the decision to leave my bazooka at home.

“Tools (wrenches, pliers, etc.)”

That is exactly how it is written out on the theater’s website.  What did someone do to make the theater management spell out the examples?  Does “etcetera” cover pipe-wrenches?  Cause I have a fear of dropping my ring into a sink drain, and I usually carry a pipe-wrench to dismantle the plumbing when I do that.


So when I told my inflatable woman that I couldn’t bring her to the show, she had this odd surprised look on her face.  Oh wait a minute, she always has that look.

And at the end of the list: “Any other item deemed unacceptable by Taft Theatre management.  Subject to change at the discretion of Taft Theatre or Tour management at any time.”

So they reserve the right to just look at you and say, “Hey buddy, you have to leave right now because we just added ‘brown hair’ to the list.  Totally unacceptable.  Have a nice night.”

Following the list of restricted items comes the list of behavioral reasons that will get thrown out.  Typical list leaders include intoxication, disruptive behavior, and the use of profanity (not including most of the stand-up comedians).

“Unacceptable or indecent dress”

So I have to wear my pants to the show?  Really?  Jim wouldn’t if he had the option.

“Participating in a fight”

I’ll need a bit of clarity on this one.  Is watching the fight considered ‘participating’?   I’ll need to know how to handle this in advance.  If a fight breaks out, do I need to close my  eyes?  That just seems dangerous to me.

“Entering or attempting to enter the restrooms of the opposite sex”

I’ve been down this road a few times in my life.  Each by accident–honestly.  Someone remind me to write the story of my college days incident of this mistake.  A mistake!  Not on purpose.

“Breaking the law”

This will get you ejected out to the streets where law breaking belongs–not in the theater.

“Any action that, in the opinion of the Taft Theatre management, places other guests in danger or reduces their enjoyment of the event”

There they go again.  “Hey you.  You’re blinking funny and people are starting to complain.  You’re out of here!”

I can’t wait for the show!  Especially now that I am fully aware of the rules.  Oh, and I just realized that the Taft ‘Theater’ is actually the Taft ‘Theatre’ (R before E).  I wonder if I’ll get thrown out for that gross oversight on my behalf.

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