Monthly Archives: March 2014

Growing Hair

So sure, I’m a middle-aged man with a forehead that has never been larger.  I find myself at the beginning stages of sporting a bald spot in the age of magic hair growing drugs.  But will you find me using hair drugs, hair foams, or spray on hair?  Nope, because I can grow back my hair anytime I want to.  It’s true.  I am choosing to progress into that middle-aged balding man without a fight.  How could I possibly start my midlife crisis with a full head of hair?  Forty-six states have laws on the books prohibiting middle-aged men from driving convertibles with a full head of hair.  Look it up.

I can grow hair whenever I want to.  In fact, I have developed the power to sprout hair located anywhere on my body.  Every day that goes by I am perfecting this talent.  I am not losing my hair, but rather, I am repositioning it to areas all around my body.

You want to see hair growing on my little finger?  Done.  You want to see hair on my ear lobes?  Done.  You want to see hair coming out of the soles of my feet?  I’ll bet I can pull it off in the next couple of years.

Recently I have been exerting my hair growing powers in an attempt to refill my receding hair-line.  My efforts are starting to pay off because there are a few hairs sprouting out where my hairline used to be.  I currently have these awesome racing stripes of rather smooth skin on both sides of my forehead.  This area once was not only filled with thick brown beautiful hair, but was also altogether closer to my eyebrows.  But now, through the use of my hair growing powers, I have started to grow a handful of hairs where I once had them.  Just a few.  Never more than three to five at a time so far.  It’s a slow start.

I know this is going to sound weird, but along with my hair growing powers I also can hear the thoughts of my new mid-forehead hairs.  I think it is some sort of side effect from my hair growing powers.

“Hey, hairline up there!  Remember when we used to hang out down here?  Man, those were good times.  Hey guys, you should stop being such old farts and come on down here with us.  Remember the time when we were flirting with the eyebrow hairs?  Dude, that was so much fun.  We should do that again.”

“No way.  Get out of here.  We are way too old to be messing around in that part of the forehead.  And besides, have you seen how the eyebrows look these days?  They haven’t had an easy life.  They’ve let themselves go.”

Unfortunately, I had to pluck the renegade forehead hairs when they started harassing the older hairs.  That, and they kept me up at night with all their stories from long ago.

You readers should know that I typed all these paragraphs using only my left eyebrow.

Harry says, “Buy my books.”

PS- That was my 100th post.  I didn’t see it coming.  Self deprecating…go figure.

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