Growing Hair

So sure, I’m a middle-aged man with a forehead that has never been larger.  I find myself at the beginning stages of sporting a bald spot in the age of magic hair growing drugs.  But will you find me using hair drugs, hair foams, or spray on hair?  Nope, because I can grow back my hair anytime I want to.  It’s true.  I am choosing to progress into that middle-aged balding man without a fight.  How could I possibly start my midlife crisis with a full head of hair?  Forty-six states have laws on the books prohibiting middle-aged men from driving convertibles with a full head of hair.  Look it up.

I can grow hair whenever I want to.  In fact, I have developed the power to sprout hair located anywhere on my body.  Every day that goes by I am perfecting this talent.  I am not losing my hair, but rather, I am repositioning it to areas all around my body.

You want to see hair growing on my little finger?  Done.  You want to see hair on my ear lobes?  Done.  You want to see hair coming out of the soles of my feet?  I’ll bet I can pull it off in the next couple of years.

Recently I have been exerting my hair growing powers in an attempt to refill my receding hair-line.  My efforts are starting to pay off because there are a few hairs sprouting out where my hairline used to be.  I currently have these awesome racing stripes of rather smooth skin on both sides of my forehead.  This area once was not only filled with thick brown beautiful hair, but was also altogether closer to my eyebrows.  But now, through the use of my hair growing powers, I have started to grow a handful of hairs where I once had them.  Just a few.  Never more than three to five at a time so far.  It’s a slow start.

I know this is going to sound weird, but along with my hair growing powers I also can hear the thoughts of my new mid-forehead hairs.  I think it is some sort of side effect from my hair growing powers.

“Hey, hairline up there!  Remember when we used to hang out down here?  Man, those were good times.  Hey guys, you should stop being such old farts and come on down here with us.  Remember the time when we were flirting with the eyebrow hairs?  Dude, that was so much fun.  We should do that again.”

“No way.  Get out of here.  We are way too old to be messing around in that part of the forehead.  And besides, have you seen how the eyebrows look these days?  They haven’t had an easy life.  They’ve let themselves go.”

Unfortunately, I had to pluck the renegade forehead hairs when they started harassing the older hairs.  That, and they kept me up at night with all their stories from long ago.

You readers should know that I typed all these paragraphs using only my left eyebrow.

Harry says, “Buy my books.”

PS- That was my 100th post.  I didn’t see it coming.  Self deprecating…go figure.

18 responses to “Growing Hair

  1. I am a woman in my early 40s and now have a couple grey eyelashes to go with my grey eyebrow hairs. Which does make one wonder what else will grey itself up in a few years. Your hair repositioning sounds like my husband’s: when we married, his back was normal. Now he is Robin Williams. Also, the few eyebrow hairs he had have now become wiry and defiant and anti-gravitational. Instead of laying flat, they are like old TV antennae, trying to get reception. You are not alone.

  2. Eyebrows going haywire around the time scalp hair takes a dive is one of life’s cruelest acts. Well, that and the jumbo ears of old age. I fear men suffer both conditions more. Sorry. But we women get our own treats. Crumbling bones, anyone?…

  3. congrats on 100 posts, old man.

  4. 100 posts and the power of hair re-positioning?! I bow to you…

  5. You know you’ve fully matured when body parts and accessories conspire against you in rebellion or defection. My friend asked her dermatologist what was up with adult acne only to be told it was camouflage for wrinkles.

  6. LOL. You and my husband must be long lost twins. This was hilarious!

  7. Just as I thought, all laws on the books concerning balding and convertibles are all the old Confederate states. Happy plucking, y’all.

  8. And, with the eyesight of a rhino, these rugged individualists usually go quite unnoticed, until that fateful day, with glasses off and face nearly pressed up against the mirror, you say to yourself: What the . . . ?!?!
    — YUR

Thoughts? Go.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s